The Process...to me...

The thing is, everybody needs to explore themselves in life. So few have the courage to do so.

I didn't used to have the courage myself. I hid from my issues, hid them under all the fat. When I felt insecure, I put on MORE fat, for MORE "protection". And no, I truly had no clue that that is what I was doing. Nobody has a perfect childhood or life, we all have demons to face and burdens to bare. The thing is, will you face yours? Will you look at all that's inside, from the past AND present, examine it and accept it? Can you say "you know what? Yeah, that's me. That ugly thing, is part of MY SOUL and makes me who I am today. If you cannot accept it, you can remove yourself from my life!". Some things we can change, some we cannot. MY body is a true physical representation of my journey. The scars from falling as a child, the scars from piercings come and gone, the tattoos that mark my body represent profound things in my life I want to remember every single day, losing the weight only represents my changes on the inside. The only thing my body can't show you is my heart, how its been broken and how I've tried to mend it. (Omg, great idea for a new tattoo!) So anyway, I guess my point is, I wanted the surgery to HELP lose weight because I was tired of the fat. By that point I did know I had issues that had been ignored, but I did not fully comprehend their massive effect on me, or how MUCH was going on on the inside. The day after surgery to probably day 30 was easy as pie as I watched the weight fall off, with no real effort. From then, it all became difficult. It all became mental. I realized WHY the weight was there...I finally realized the IMPACT behind each pound lost! And I can't tell you in words how proud I am of myself for making it this far, about 75 lbs down from my highest and ONLY ;) 32 to go!!! I remember when I wrote my blog about reaching 70 lbs down that it was only partly about the weight. I explained the changes in myself, in my character, in my determination and how my whole life had changed. Losing the physical weight showed me so many things about my determination and my worth. Acknowledging my past, my reasons and my issues showed me who I truly am. All stories from the past and opinions of me, do not make WHO I am. I made mistakes. I hurt people on purpose AND by accident. Those things are not Liz. One day, you will know allll the things that make you exactly who you are, why and you will love yourself.

You can't truly love yourself until you know what all is in there. Some things you find you will see as great, amazing, and you will be proud and pleased. Others will shame and embarrass you. But you must accept those, too. That WHOLE person is the person you can BEGIN to finally fall in love with! And God its a beautiful feeling. There are struggles and its hard and there are days you will choose to not think and to be oblivious. But that's ok, because no one can carry on such a mental battle daily. Not even me! =)

Where to now???...

Thinking about all of this and reflecting upon myself as I often do, I wondered. I wondered why, what significant reason, could my weight stall out for a solid year. Almost to the "T", I stopped losing this time last year. As aware as I am that our bodies are a physical representation of our insides, I wondered if my body was telling me something. If maybe, when I REALLY began to dive into my rooted issues on the inside, if progress on the outside was possible. I can say undoubtedly that in the last 12 months I have discovered so much about myself, pushed myself emotionally, fought my limits on trust and acceptance, allowed myself to become vulnerable, discussed hushed issues with loved ones, etc. These 12 months have been huge for me in discovering more of who I am and how I deal with life and MOST IMPORTANTLY, what I want from life. 

So here I sit wondering, NOT searching for an excuse, but truly curious as to if there is a valid reason as to why even with the little effort I have put worth, I have seen no physical change. It makes sense to me that a human being can only handle so much. And I knew I could not continue to lose weight (and keep it off!) without focusing too on the issues that lie underneath. Maybe I'm ready to continue? Maybe now the body can catch up with the work that has been done on the inside? Or maybe do I need more time? I have no clue. But I really hope, I can close this chapter of my life. I can be grateful for the last 12 months, honor them as a valuable time of growth in my life, and continue to lose the last 32 lbs I want to lose! That's my hope!

xoxo,

Libby Lou!

P.S. I decided to upload some new pics, I changed my hair. I added blonde highlights and true red highlights and did a little bit of the underneath, blonde. I'm in love with it!

P.S.S. Still no word on the job yet....