*CHANGES*

An article I wrote that I wanted to share...to make an announcement of sorts.


ARTICLE:


Dooms-day. Currently when you hear that you may think of natural AND man-made disasters affecting the world. But what I mean is, a break-up. I imagine it's a tad easier being the dumpER instead of the dumpEE...but still, it sucks. I want to share my process when I'm considering ending a relationship, it's probably unhealthy. I think about the issues at hand, the unhappy, whatever it may be. I dwell on it. It causes anxiety. I write, journal, to release those frustrated emotions. I may, or may not, decide to share a fraction of those feelings with my partner. I'd say it's pretty 50/50 for me. There's a huge part of me, being a southern lady, that tells myself not to cause drama, fights, or heartache. The other part of me screams at myself that I must stand up for myself, have respect for me, and for what's right. I honestly go back and forth, both win at different times. If I do choose to share a tiny portion of those feelings, usually the other person gets upset and says I'm making things up or they feel I'm saying they aren't good enough, or they act like they just don't care and say "you can leave if you want". Neither are productive, both leave me feeling like crap! So then there are times I choose to keep it to myself and my journal. I let out those frustrated emotions and not having resolved ANY issue(s), I'm good to be "happy/content" another week or two, maybe. Then the cycle repeats itself. Every time any negative feeling comes up for me my first initial thought is "I need to break up with him....awww, how I'm sad." But the majority of the time, I will talk myself out of it. I'm having a difficult time figuring out WHY that's my initial reaction. Is it my old self that was so much of a pleaser that I'd let myself go neglected in order to satisfy my partner, or is it the new me that has some what of a zero-tolerance policy? I really cannot decipher the two. And maybe...they are the same.

Now I've come to a place with my recent boyfriend where I've gone through so many cycles TOO many times. Some I've shared with him, some I have not. However, there have just been too many cycles for my own sanity. I don't think I'm too difficult to please, I could be horribly wrong. Maybe nobody will ever make me happy. Maybe the several years I spent being a single woman, only focusing on pleasing myself and nobody else and no giving...maybe those years screwed me up and made me less capable of "dealing" with the ups and downs and giving required in any relationship. I don't know. All I know is each cycle of mine, comes with more anxiety. They come with a much more eager voice saying "I have to break up with him." Why on earth would I think this not only once, but frequently, if it was not destiny? I have no clue. The thing that kills me the most in this relationship is that by all rights, this man is a truly amazing man. I have felt so lucky and so blessed, yet not 100% satisfied. Am I an ungrateful B? Maybe. 

But the sad, sobering reality is that we are all different. We all want different things from relationships and maybe as time goes on you realize there are some things you can lovingly compromise on for the "right" person. But you also realize there are some things you are just unwilling to live without. For me, those things I'm looking for most in a relationship are things I've yet to experience. They are qualities or patterns that I've always wanted in a man, yet the men in our society today are so "tough" that these are now rare qualities. (No cry babies apply, please!) I just want simple things. I don't think it's too much.

When I do choose to date again, after a long, long break from men in general, I will take a long hard look at my online dating profile. (Which, might I add, has been blowin' up ever since I've been in a relationship) and I will be VERY specific, much more than last time, on what I'm looking for. I realize now those things are not "needs" and to call them that, seems selfish and needy. They are my "wants" and desires. They are things I crave and yearn for and may POSSIBLY be able to live without. But I cannot say with clarity that I don't need them until I've experienced them.

Maybe, just maybe, this woman wasn't meant to settle down just yet. I really have no clue. There is a pleasant air of freedom and expression and creativity when I'm single. But I shall explore this new adventure, when the time is right, and find out!!!

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So yeah, Friday night almost 2 weeks ago, I broke up with Lloyd. To be more specific here as I wasn't in the article....

My goal in dating is to eventually settle down and get married. That means the world to me. But what is more critical is to marry the right man. I've been engaged TWICE and broke off the engagement each time b/c I didn't feel it was right or it'd work and divorce is just not a road I wanna go down. Lloyd was divorced and it was a nasty split and a bitter divorce and he refused to ever re-marry. He said point blank, "no way in hell will I ever get married again, even if I did feel you were amazing and perfect. It's not the person, it's the marriage. I won't do that again." So, I knew that by about 3 months in. And I literally spent 3 more months contemplating whether or not I could sacrifice my dream of a marriage, to be in a "good" relationship with a "life partner" rather than a husband. In the end, it came up too often and bothered me too much, so I decided I couldn't deal. It just wasn't good enough. And it was painful, for me. But the parting was peaceful, he understood and he was kind. Our last moments together was very friendly and civil. So that's that...back to focusing on my true goals and searching for what IIIIII want...b/c I'll find it!

xoxo,

Lizzle

P.S. Gonna do an update soon with pictures and how I'm doing with weight, water, food, exercise, band-things, etc. =) It'll be a good'n!!!! ;)