A semi-diagnosis...

My Psychiatrist thinks I have Bipolar Disorder. It not a new idea or disease to me. My father was diagnosed 5-10 years ago AFTER being mis-diagnosed Depressed for 15 years. It is a disease or disorder myself and both of my sisters have always been concerned about getting, been educated on, and feared. One by one we are all getting tested.

I went in to a see a counselor when I was feeling abnormally low for a prolonged period. I felt I was depressed. She referred me to a Psychologist to evaluate me. After hours of talking, she referred me to a Psychiatrist. This past Tuesday(a week ago) I saw her. The conversation began covering with issues with being attention deficient. This is something I’ve known almost my whole life, that I have ADHD, although only officially diagnosed a few weeks ago by the Psychologist. I’ve educated myself on it years ago and began to try to put tiny actions into place to try to deal with it on my own. However years later, I have found it still very difficult to focus at work and on school work. I decided I needed medical help. I am a 26 year old young adult, it is high time for me to be able to focus at work, on my work and not on the 1000 thoughts running through my mind at any one moment. I figured they’d give me a stimulant and I educated myself on those. I’ve worked in pharmacy for years and I figured I knew what to expect.

However, today was hard for me. When my Psychiatrist said she was leaning towards diagnosing me with Bipolar instead of ADHD (because Bipolar does include some attention deficient issues), I internally freaked out. Outward, even freaked out a little with her. I got very defensive. This is a disorder I know plenty about and I had evaluated myself with the help of online and written resources to try to determine if this was something for me to be concerned about within myself. I had always come to the conclusion no. My reason being, I do not have EXTREME highs and lows. I have normal highs and lows and am a happy, optimistic person 90% of the time. I am known for my happy, funny, jolly spirit. It is me. It is Elizabeth. It is, at least, part of why people are drawn to me and why people tend to like me or enjoy being around me. It’s the one thing I love about myself and the one thing I could always count on, that I’m almost always smiling and optimistic.

For someone to insinuate that my “happiness” is mania, is insulting. For someone to say I need to be put on medication to bring my happiness down a notch, is saddening. I don’t want my good mood or happiness to go down or even be effected a tiny bit. I enjoy my happiness. Now I am learning, most bipolar people feel the same about the Manic episodes. It’s just so hard for me right now to see how this is me. It’s hard for me to trust this new person (new in my life). Hard for me to imagine that she can diagnose me with something by checking off these different lines or boxes on a sheet of paper. Probably even the same list I’ve gone over myself 100 times. As if I’m not insecure about it enough. Of course there are times I feel mentally disheveled, ecstatic, and even question my own thoughts and reasoning and ability to let logic out weight everything else. I feel that is normal. Maybe not.

This makes me question so much of my life. It makes me wonder what my new “normal” will be. It makes me sad and only a tiny bit of optimism is currently shining through. Will I lose all that beaming happiness that IS Elizabeth? Will I even still be the same? Will the drugs make me low enough that I feel somber? Will I dislike the drug enough to become non-compliant? I don’t know. I fear the answer to all of these questions. I fear how I will respond and react. I fear so much.

Soon after being diagnosed I spoke with the three people closest to me. Two of the three said I should take the drug, it makes sense and even 1 said she had previously thought that herself and been concerned for me. The third said I should be careful and I should do as the doctors say, just to give it a try. Everyone is in favor of me taking this medication and seeing what happens. This outer opinion is critically important now because they all know this is now a very vulnerable point in my life and I am very open to hearing what they have to say. I am open to hearing their honest opinions on if they would think I do have bipolar disorder, or hearing if they have seen the signs.

Currently, I’m just trying to figure this out. I feel now like I’m damaged or crazy or broken.  And it is still just saddening and shocking.

xoxo,

Liz