36 lbs down in 18 wks!
Well here I am at this point in my journey. I'm 36 lbs down (@242) in 18 wks and that average to 2 lbs/wk! I thought it'd be faster but I'm made peace w/ my slow but steady pace.
I expected a lot from this surgery. I was the person the psychologists wanted to weed out. What I mean by that, is that I always said "If I could lose weight...I'd get that job...I'd meet my dream man...my clothes would look better....I'd finish college...I'd get married...I'd blah blah blah!". They say people like that are not good candidates for surgery b/c you have all your hopes and dreams riding on this one thing. Well, I thinkwhen they came up w/ that rule they didn't take into consideration people who have been overweight THEIR WHOLE LIVES! I have been obese since I was about 10. I'd don't know what thin feels like. I don't know what it feels like to be inside of a healthy body. I don't know what it feels like to have a happy mind and be kind to myself. I guess you could say I've had this fat suit as a constant accessory to my wardrobe 24 freakin 7! I can't place blame. I can't say someone else got me here. A lot of moments, struggles, feelings, self pity, and people helped get me to this place. But at this point in my journey I must fully recognized how I got Betty the starring role in "Lizzle's Obese, Unhappy Life" sprinkled w/ accidental pregnancies, families judgements, lost friends, affairs, alcohol abuse, and worst of all SELF HATE!
I feel enlightened and wise in some aspects, to just be 24. Everyone comes to me for advice or just to get my ear on things. I think I've just slowly begun to see why people like me, or even love me. It is so surprising to me for someone to compliment me, acknowledge me, praise me, etc. I say the routine "thank you" as sincere as possible but lately it stops me in my tracks and almost brings me to tears. For so long I haven't seen what others saw.
I guess my gist w/ all this is that surgery and losing weight has changed my life. I did/do have so much riding onthis. This fat, THAT FAT has kept me from doing what I want to do and being who I want to be. Lately I think, go ahead take a picture of my body and I'll do MY best to pose and work w/ what I've got. Go ahead, invite me out to hang b/c I'll say yes not embarassed to leave my house. Go ahead, ask me to speak in front of 25-50 of my work peers, b/c I'm fine if I stumble I'll make it through and make you proud. I've let so many walls down, walls I didn't even k n ow where up there. I've always prided myself on being an open book. And I sort of was, but there have been so many things I kept sheltered inside, hidden away b/c I felt like the fat girl didn't deserve that. Not to be offensive to anyone reading this, I only mean this towards myself, but I hate fat people. Not b/c THEY are fat but b/c they are a constant, visual reminder of myself. I'd see an overweight girl and immediately think about how I'm bigger than her, uglier than her, she dresses better etc. And that hate pisses me off! I have NO RIGHT TO HATE HER OR MYSELF!
Going through this process has been like taking the rose colored shades off. I've realized as much as I did, did for others, pampered myself, and gave...I wasn't REALLY living. I'd work, take care of my kids, drive, hang w/ family...repeat. I didn't go out w/ friends, I didn't even THINK about dating. The thought of my fat ass grinding away on some guy literally made me want to vomit. Now I must say, down 36 lbs I'm feeling better about the grinding part but I still have reservations about the point where...you're getting ready, clothes come off, you stand there before pouncing on the bed. In that moment, I know he'd see sagalicious boobs and lower stomach pooch hang! So maybe in a fwe more mths I can make piece w/ those last areas of sexual insecurity.
I just feel like i've been awaken, I'm breathing again, I can see clearly. I have come to live and finally see how vibrant all the world around me is. I'm mad at myself for wasting so much time. Mad at myself for getting me to that point of utter dispair being 278 lbs. But here I am today. Down from a size 22 to an 18 and absolutely lovin' it! I love buying clothes, I love fixing my LONG hair again, I love taking pictures of myself, I love going out w/ friends, I love going going going and doing SOMETHING, ANYTHING to break out of our normal routine. I'm loving work even more, loving friends who acknowledge me and this process, loving my family for being so supportive. This journey was meant for me. I knew before officially starting it that it would CHANGE MY LIFE FOREVER! And that was what I needed, what I craved. Is surgery a major step? Hell yeah! They cut me open and got to see all my stuff! yay! But that is minor compared to revelations in my mind, heart, and spirit. I know today my Nanny would be proud of the woman her Little Beth has turned into!
With much love FOR me, myself, & I,
Elizabeth Michelle Huskey <--the woman who I am, so many awesome things rolled into one.
We give ourselves a good gift by recognizing that we want to be healthy... and personally, I can't wait to be a role model for others out there who struggle with the same thing we do!
ReplyDeleteYOU ARE AMAZING Liz!!!!! First of all, you are so young and have so much of your life ahead of you. The timing for getting the band was perfect. You did it at a place where you can control your decisions. I'm so excited for all that you've accomplished amongst the stress of moving, raising two kids, etc. You should re-read this post when you get down or the scale isn't moving. Look at the new you, 36 pounds down! AMAZING!
ReplyDeleteWhat a great post! I was just thinking about you this morning and wondering how you were doing with the weight loss! We do get wiser with age, that is for sure. And not only is our body chaning, so is our way of thinking!
ReplyDeleteYou are doing so great! Keep up the good work. How you describe your feelings is great and right on for me too. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteI am soooo happy for you Miss Elizabeth! You are figuring this all out, and feeling good about yourself, at a time in your life when many of us had no clue (you are a baby! only 24!) Seriously, it is SO great that you have taken this step for yourself now, not waiting until things got more out of hand. You have many happy days (filled with grinding) ahead of you!
ReplyDeleteAnd BTW, having been married for 14 years, and dating for many years before that, I can tell you: Most guys don't care all that much about the saggy boobs and tummy. They just want the goods, and they want to be loved. So don't sweat that too much. Get yourself some sexy lingerie and work it!
Congrats!! Love the new pic :)
ReplyDeleteYour post almost made me cry.I can totally understand what you are saying as I have been FAT my whole life too. You have to love your self first and it seems like you are finally beginning to see that. Am so happy for you. You look awesome
ReplyDeleteThis network of amazing women is beyond words. It is something everyone should have. Aplace where people know your feelings and your journey. I am so grateful for you guys.
ReplyDeleteI wrote this last night and never shed a tear. After reading all your comments I decided to read it outloud to my mom b/c I was proud of it. I got to the last paragraph and finally started bawling, I guess repeating it outloud to myself. I barely made it through the last paragraph while crying just to finish reading it to her. My nanny was her mom and she knows how much she meant to me. She's been dead now for 8 years. She only knew me as a little girl who was overweight but she always told me I'd be so much more, and I'd break the cycle of overweight women in our family! I know she's proud. And I'm grateful just 3 wks ago I got to visit her grave for the first time. It was fitting for where I'm at in my life now.
Thank you for all your kind words. I'm so blessed to have you all!