Reasons to smile! =)
So I did have my counseling appt Monday. It was only a 2 hour intake interview. Meaning we talked a lot about what I thought was wrong, what I think I need, what course I want my therapy to take, etc. No meds. I have an appt scheduled with the Psychiatrist for an "med evaluation" 5 wks from now. I was bummed when I found out it was so far out. But oh well. I'll lean on the Xanax (just when I need it) to get me through until then.
Discovered a few things at that appt I wanted to share: She said she's pretty sure I'm ADD and medication could really help me through work and school (with being able to focus) without abusing caffeine. See, people with ADD respond to stimulants differently. We do not get hyper. It calms the mind. Stops the racing thoughts. When I described my "racing thoughts" she gave it a medical term and I was happy that it made sense to her. She also described it as "circling thoughts" as in it's 1 thought after another and none have an end, just around and around. For real! yeah, that's me!
SO ONLY 11 DAYS UNTIL I START SCHOOL. Schools over March 18th, my State Board Exam is March 19th and I can get my results within 24-48 hours. Yay! So by the end of March, hopefully I will have a job as a Certified Nursing Assistant...then...I will wait a few months and evaluate when I start LPN (Licensed Practical Nurse) school (!!!!!!!!!!!) woooooooooooooo!!!
Also big thing goin down the end of March, I'M MOVING OUT! I'm getting the hell out of my Mom's house and negative energy and hope to land in my own peaceful, cheap, happy house to focus on my own life and children and career, etc. I'm very optimistic about that! And that counselor even pointed out "You have many positive things coming up for you in the near future. You should focus on that, knowing these are all positive changes for you." And that I am!!!
Valentine's Day: It went well! I was NOT in a good mood by the time I got there. But he did the dinner, the chocolates, the music, the wine, and bought me my FIRST ever Roses from a man! That meant so much to me. Think I almost cried. Funny...I didn't drink with dinner (bad habit I have developed) and my band WORKED (go figure) and I got stuck on my LAST bite. Lol! So after dinner and smoking I wasn't feeling too well. Lloyd says "You gonna throw up in my toilet on VALENTINE'S DAY?" Ha! I did not. He lovingly teases me, I don't mind. Plus he knows THIS Valentine's was a big deal to me b/c I've hated the day for years....b/c I was either alone or had bad experiences. So I told him a month in advance that I may not even feel up to celebrating...the current depression making it worse. After the stuck episode we were laying in bed watching Lord of the Rings and I was just starting to feel better but for some reason the depression hit me and I just laid there, feeling mentally annoyed and frustrated and I couldn't figure out why. L noticed and said "I see that sad face. Don't be sad." and I didn't say anything and he continues "Make that sad face go away, I wanna see your beautiful smile." and I said "Lloyd, you can't fix it. I'm sorry. You just can't." and he said "Damn it, why not? I wanna fix it." Then he hugs and squeezes me sooooo tight! =) And says "You made it!" and I said "What?" he says "It's midnight. Valentine's is over. You made it. You survived the scary holiday!" lol! I smiled and said "Ha, you're right. I'm weird. But I am glad it's over." and he said "No you're not, I get it." It's ridiculous how well he knows me, and babies me when I need it and leaves me the hell alone when I need it.
I spent yesterday pretty down and I don't know why...but I focus on any negativity I can find in my relationship when I'm down. I worry, I stress. I think of reasons to break up with him. And you can obviously tell from above that he's amazing to me and I love him deeply. He makes me so happy that it's just ridiculous! But the last week when I'm in a "bad mood" I focus on anything bad having to do with "us". I DO NOT share these thoughts with him because it just took me a few days to realize I only do this on the bad days, and I do not truly relate to those feelings on any other day. I've been writing to release those thoughts. Yesterday, I even cried and told myself I'd have to break up with him. Rehearsed what I'd say. Didn't talk to him all day. Kept my distance being sad and annoyed and frustrated. Then today, woke up to my mind racing with negative thoughts again, focusing on him of course. Thought again how it may HAVE to be over for me to progress in my own life, focus on myself. The work of maintaining a relationship IS a lot of work and it worries me. Then he texts me late morning this morning and says "You got plans tomorrow? I wanna take the day off and be with you." Awwwwww! That moment snapped me back to reality and it's like....he can sense when it's bad for me. He can tell when I need something more, something different. I applaud his work. I tell him often I appreciate that. And I truly do. I've never had anyone work so hard for me.
So...the title "Reasons to smile" do not only have to do with L or Love...BUT there is one more thing about that. He's doing the Couch to 5k program to run a 5k with me in 9 wks! I'm excited!!! He started last week and so far is doing well. I'm very pleased he agreed to do it with me. He knows I'm way off track with my weightloss (even gained) and he said he'd always wanted to be "a runner" but just never has ran. He's a hockey man, twice a week. I knew he'd be capable. He even has better endurance than me on the hikes we've done together. So, he'll do better than me. So that race is one of the reasons to smile.
Let me be simple....
Reasons to smile:
February:
*Start CNA school
March
*Weekend in Las Vegas and 5k race!
*White water rafting (first time)!!!
*Finish CNA school!
April
*Pat's Run (with L) 4.2 miles
*Warrior Dash (with myself or Aimme...maybe L) it's a 3.4 mile obstacle course that requires black makeup under your eyes, wearing a "warrior helmet" and you finish the end of the race with Beer! Cheers! My kind of gig!
May
*Mud Run 3 or 6 miles, haven't decided yet. A few obstacles and finish by jumping in and swimming thru a mud pit to get to the finish line! Lol! Awesomeoness!!!!
June
*Salt Lake River tubing, I love, love doing this!
*Skydiving! First time!!! (with L)
July
*Day or weekend on the Lake here, rent a boat and water ski for the FIRST TIME EVER in my life!!!
August
*POSSIBLE weekend in LA with Aimme and my kids! If so, 5k will go down!
September
*BOOBS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To ensure that I get to do all these "active, adventurous" things, I'm going to pay for them now with my tax money! No way to back out or not be able to do it b/c of lack of funds! so that's very exciting!!!
There are so many OTHER non-adventurous things to be happy about this year too! Makes me smile! AND I hope to have my Tummy tuck consult by this Fall and see what they think about where I'm at and at what weight I can hope to have it done!
xoxo,
Lizzle
P.S. I HAVE continued to gain weight...eaten like a horse! I'm currently at 223 so I'm going to reset my tickler so that any loss from here I can really celebrate! I'm hovered around 221 for several days then shot up to 223 this am after eating an ENTIRE BOX OF GIRL SCOUT COOKIES last night :( Oh well. This is where I'm at. The next few days I'm going to just try to make small changes; no drinking with meals, no eating after dinner. That should help me a lot! And yesterday (before the girl scout cookies) I did try to eat healthy things every time I felt hungry or just wanted to eat. So my extra eating was healthy foods...but the cookies ruined that day. So I'm going to continue that today. As in, when I get hungry I'll go for; cheese, yogurt, rice cakes, wheat thins, sunchips, etc. The healthiest snacks I have in the house! That's all I'm going to make myself do right now. B/c fighting the depression and addiction to monsters is too hard to be trying to do it ALL at once. Baby steps for now is all I expect of myself...for now!!!
Discovered a few things at that appt I wanted to share: She said she's pretty sure I'm ADD and medication could really help me through work and school (with being able to focus) without abusing caffeine. See, people with ADD respond to stimulants differently. We do not get hyper. It calms the mind. Stops the racing thoughts. When I described my "racing thoughts" she gave it a medical term and I was happy that it made sense to her. She also described it as "circling thoughts" as in it's 1 thought after another and none have an end, just around and around. For real! yeah, that's me!
SO ONLY 11 DAYS UNTIL I START SCHOOL. Schools over March 18th, my State Board Exam is March 19th and I can get my results within 24-48 hours. Yay! So by the end of March, hopefully I will have a job as a Certified Nursing Assistant...then...I will wait a few months and evaluate when I start LPN (Licensed Practical Nurse) school (!!!!!!!!!!!) woooooooooooooo!!!
Also big thing goin down the end of March, I'M MOVING OUT! I'm getting the hell out of my Mom's house and negative energy and hope to land in my own peaceful, cheap, happy house to focus on my own life and children and career, etc. I'm very optimistic about that! And that counselor even pointed out "You have many positive things coming up for you in the near future. You should focus on that, knowing these are all positive changes for you." And that I am!!!
Valentine's Day: It went well! I was NOT in a good mood by the time I got there. But he did the dinner, the chocolates, the music, the wine, and bought me my FIRST ever Roses from a man! That meant so much to me. Think I almost cried. Funny...I didn't drink with dinner (bad habit I have developed) and my band WORKED (go figure) and I got stuck on my LAST bite. Lol! So after dinner and smoking I wasn't feeling too well. Lloyd says "You gonna throw up in my toilet on VALENTINE'S DAY?" Ha! I did not. He lovingly teases me, I don't mind. Plus he knows THIS Valentine's was a big deal to me b/c I've hated the day for years....b/c I was either alone or had bad experiences. So I told him a month in advance that I may not even feel up to celebrating...the current depression making it worse. After the stuck episode we were laying in bed watching Lord of the Rings and I was just starting to feel better but for some reason the depression hit me and I just laid there, feeling mentally annoyed and frustrated and I couldn't figure out why. L noticed and said "I see that sad face. Don't be sad." and I didn't say anything and he continues "Make that sad face go away, I wanna see your beautiful smile." and I said "Lloyd, you can't fix it. I'm sorry. You just can't." and he said "Damn it, why not? I wanna fix it." Then he hugs and squeezes me sooooo tight! =) And says "You made it!" and I said "What?" he says "It's midnight. Valentine's is over. You made it. You survived the scary holiday!" lol! I smiled and said "Ha, you're right. I'm weird. But I am glad it's over." and he said "No you're not, I get it." It's ridiculous how well he knows me, and babies me when I need it and leaves me the hell alone when I need it.
I spent yesterday pretty down and I don't know why...but I focus on any negativity I can find in my relationship when I'm down. I worry, I stress. I think of reasons to break up with him. And you can obviously tell from above that he's amazing to me and I love him deeply. He makes me so happy that it's just ridiculous! But the last week when I'm in a "bad mood" I focus on anything bad having to do with "us". I DO NOT share these thoughts with him because it just took me a few days to realize I only do this on the bad days, and I do not truly relate to those feelings on any other day. I've been writing to release those thoughts. Yesterday, I even cried and told myself I'd have to break up with him. Rehearsed what I'd say. Didn't talk to him all day. Kept my distance being sad and annoyed and frustrated. Then today, woke up to my mind racing with negative thoughts again, focusing on him of course. Thought again how it may HAVE to be over for me to progress in my own life, focus on myself. The work of maintaining a relationship IS a lot of work and it worries me. Then he texts me late morning this morning and says "You got plans tomorrow? I wanna take the day off and be with you." Awwwwww! That moment snapped me back to reality and it's like....he can sense when it's bad for me. He can tell when I need something more, something different. I applaud his work. I tell him often I appreciate that. And I truly do. I've never had anyone work so hard for me.
So...the title "Reasons to smile" do not only have to do with L or Love...BUT there is one more thing about that. He's doing the Couch to 5k program to run a 5k with me in 9 wks! I'm excited!!! He started last week and so far is doing well. I'm very pleased he agreed to do it with me. He knows I'm way off track with my weightloss (even gained) and he said he'd always wanted to be "a runner" but just never has ran. He's a hockey man, twice a week. I knew he'd be capable. He even has better endurance than me on the hikes we've done together. So, he'll do better than me. So that race is one of the reasons to smile.
Let me be simple....
Reasons to smile:
February:
*Start CNA school
March
*Weekend in Las Vegas and 5k race!
*White water rafting (first time)!!!
*Finish CNA school!
April
*Pat's Run (with L) 4.2 miles
*Warrior Dash (with myself or Aimme...maybe L) it's a 3.4 mile obstacle course that requires black makeup under your eyes, wearing a "warrior helmet" and you finish the end of the race with Beer! Cheers! My kind of gig!
May
*Mud Run 3 or 6 miles, haven't decided yet. A few obstacles and finish by jumping in and swimming thru a mud pit to get to the finish line! Lol! Awesomeoness!!!!
June
*Salt Lake River tubing, I love, love doing this!
*Skydiving! First time!!! (with L)
July
*Day or weekend on the Lake here, rent a boat and water ski for the FIRST TIME EVER in my life!!!
August
*POSSIBLE weekend in LA with Aimme and my kids! If so, 5k will go down!
September
*BOOBS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To ensure that I get to do all these "active, adventurous" things, I'm going to pay for them now with my tax money! No way to back out or not be able to do it b/c of lack of funds! so that's very exciting!!!
There are so many OTHER non-adventurous things to be happy about this year too! Makes me smile! AND I hope to have my Tummy tuck consult by this Fall and see what they think about where I'm at and at what weight I can hope to have it done!
xoxo,
Lizzle
P.S. I HAVE continued to gain weight...eaten like a horse! I'm currently at 223 so I'm going to reset my tickler so that any loss from here I can really celebrate! I'm hovered around 221 for several days then shot up to 223 this am after eating an ENTIRE BOX OF GIRL SCOUT COOKIES last night :( Oh well. This is where I'm at. The next few days I'm going to just try to make small changes; no drinking with meals, no eating after dinner. That should help me a lot! And yesterday (before the girl scout cookies) I did try to eat healthy things every time I felt hungry or just wanted to eat. So my extra eating was healthy foods...but the cookies ruined that day. So I'm going to continue that today. As in, when I get hungry I'll go for; cheese, yogurt, rice cakes, wheat thins, sunchips, etc. The healthiest snacks I have in the house! That's all I'm going to make myself do right now. B/c fighting the depression and addiction to monsters is too hard to be trying to do it ALL at once. Baby steps for now is all I expect of myself...for now!!!
Sounds like you have some wonderful things to look forward to! Goodluck with all your adventurous activities :)
ReplyDeleteGlad your appointment went well, but too bad next one is 5 weeks away. Please don't make any rash decisions about Lloyd until you are feeling a little more even. Love your smile list. You definitely have a lot of fun things coming up.
ReplyDeleteGlad you sound better...keep writing it out!
ReplyDeleteYou have lots of reasons to smile, and such a pretty smile. I'm doing a mud run in may too! It's scaring the crap out of me. really.
ReplyDeleteGood to hear that you are trying to focus on the happy things, even when it's hard.