blah blah blah....and prince charming (the real one)!
Yesterday was ALMOST a nervous breakdown. I ate awful, haven't even put all the food in my foodlog b/c I'm scared to see the total. Probably 2-3000 calories. :(
I barely made it through my day, silently getting everything done that needed to be done. When the kids were in bed and I was going to by to Mr's (Lloyd's) I didn't even feel like going. I was going to stay home and crawl in bed. that's usually what I do when I feel I cannot face the world. Was going to go to bed by 8. Then he tells me he doesn't feel well...and I feel obligated to go comfort him. So I go. And I tell him on the way that I don't feel like myself; he knows some of the things bothering me. He knows he cannot do anything to help. He knows he can only listen and comfort me.
Most times with a normal amount of anxiety, just laying in his arms is the cure. Last night, I felt so....out of touch, I didn't even know what to do. Didn't feel like talking, didn't feel like cuddling, didn't feel like anything. Almost as if my emotions and anxieties have been SO HIGH, that I had reached a point of sheer exhaustion and I just couldn't do ANYTHING anymore. He asked me to talk about what was wrong and 100 things shot through my mind in a moment. But I just said "Is there a way or a pill to make your mind JUST STOP?" Obviously....no. I wish there was. He gave me a xanax...I had always been against those...and most all other anti-depressants or anti-anxiety drugs.
Here's a secret about me; I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder in 2007. At the time I had just kicked Nate out of my house, I was a single Mom to two little little boys and my awful life I knew was just crumbling apart...at my will. There was a bright day around the corner but the stress and anxiety of the moment...my MD put me on an anxiety med b/c I was having daily anxiety/panic attacks.
A few months after treatment and therapy and getting on my own two feet, I came off the med and was all good. Hadn't had an anxiety attack since early 2008. They started back about 6 months ago....after I lost my 4 yr job. :(
I've resisted the idea that I needed meds again. I could sure go for some therapy but can't afford it and don't have insurance. But the last month I've talked to my closest friends and family members about getting on some sort of medication to "help me through". But my strong presence and knowledge of the pharmaceutical world....has made me want to stay away from any drug as much as possible. They are so harmful. The affects are so....bad. Most say, MD's say "The helpful affects outweigh the harmful affects" blah blah blah. Possibly true. And I agree with blood pressure meds and stuff. But some things can be treated with herbs, vitamins, or lifestyle change.
Oh which reminds me, I did actually buy 2 different herbal elixir's at Sprouts that are for anxiety. I've yet to use them b/c the only way to use them is to put a dropper full of it into a glass of water and slowly drink it that way. It's just too inconvenient for me. But I still carry them around in my purse just in case I were to NEED something.
So anyway, this is not me ranting about how bad drugs are. This is me saying that I've gotten myself into such a bad place...mentally....that I'm considering going against all I've ever believed in and asking my doctor for an anxiety med or anti depressant. I don't know what else to do right now. I can't shake the funk and I just have no clue what to do. I hate to bring all this negativity and blah-ness onto my blog and into your lives....this is just all I am right now. There is just no sunshine in my life at the moment. My dark days used to come and go, they'd leave as the sun set each day, with regularity....but this won't go. This is like a dark cloud following me around.
I truly believe with or without medication, I need to make improvements, tiny steps in the right direction. I need to remember my end goals, focus on my short term goals, work on those and make progress and I know this cloud will lift or diminish. My mood right now is likely b/c I feel like I'm a failure 100%, all across the board.
It's so hard for me to be this honest with myself, with you guys. I am truly a very optimistic happy person. I know you guys have all seen it. you have all commented on my eternal optimism and that REALLY IS ME! This is not me! I don't like this. This feels like I'm suffocating, drowning....like there's no light at the end of the tunnel.
I think I need an immediate plan of action (like meds) and then another plan to slowly work on my goals, accomplish 1 thing at a time to make me feel stronger again, more confident again. If I could lose a little weight, that'd be uplifting. But right now that just feels sooooo impossible. I need control. Control over SOMETHING...in a positive way!
Still no monsters. That's good. That's progress.
I have these nervous ticks where I jab my finger nail into my thumb, it's odd. Yes! Or I jab my finger nail under another nail...strange, yes. OR I bite on my lip. Or I chew on the inside of my cheek. These are my main nervous ticks that I can get away with doing anywhere, in public, most people do not realize. However, when I find these causing pain is when it finally hits me that I've been doing it "more than normal" and that my anxiety is out of control. Yesterday....it was out of control. My fingers and fingernails are SO SORE from me doing this all day yesterday. My bottom lip hurts from biting it all day yesterday. That pain, from the ticks, makes me feel like I'm a damn mess and wreck b/c now it's obvious I'm causing myself physical harm...which just sounds retarded to me. So this morning, not being in any better of a mood, I decide to at least take charge of my nervous ticks. So I cut my nails off this morning. I cut them as far back as I possibly could. Now I literally cannot do my nervous ticks. If I do it is not "fulfilling" in the way that it normally is...and so they are gone. It makes me a little happier to STOP that...for now.
I showed L what I do to my fingers and nails last night. I thought he'd say I was crazy. I even told him I was crazy and nuts. He looked at me and said "You are not crazy. I do that too sometimes." Somehow, he knows what to say to me. Somehow he can tell when my mood is so desperately awful that I am willing to confide something in him...and he doesn't take it for granted. He knows how to respond just the way I need him to. In a way I could not have even hoped for b/c I didn't even know what I needed to hear....until he says it. And then it just feels so good. That's what he does for me.
I've dated so many men in the past who when I showed them my genuine emotions, raw and real they freaked out or just told me I was "too emotional" or couldn't "control my emotions" and this made me very insecure to be the real me with men when I did finally get close to them. I took me 5 months to cry in front of L! When I did...he did exactly what I've always needed. I truly think this man was put on the planet to be my man...and to come into my life exactly when he did. When my life was spiraling out of control. And knowing that he is strong enough to handle me like this, makes me happy for some day when I'm all happy and back to normal and less stressed, that I know he'll be happy with me, content. And I know that our easy relationship will somehow be even easier...how's that even possible I have no clue. I couldn't have even imagined the greatness we have right now. To imagine it better...only seems like a fairytale.
Thank GOD for that!
xoxo,
Elizabeth
P.S. in the course of a week my weight has gone from 217 (a new high) to 221 yesterday! That's officially gaining 13 lbs from my lowest low (208) But I didn't maintain that for long. I've been comfortably hovering around 213 for months, so that's an 8 lb gain in the last week!!! I pray it's just a pre-period gain since I haven't had a period or hormonal spike in 3 mths due to my birth control. I felt and still feel mortified to even tell you guys that. Makes me feel like a true failure. Good news, I guess, is that I woke up to being 219 this morning. When you are losing weight and go from 250's to 249 or 240's to 239, ect is a SUPER BIG DEAL! It's a 10 lb mile marker for success and progress. So now that I saw the scale go over 220 and when I hit 219 MONTHS ago I swore I'd never go over 220 again. It just hits home to me that it actually is possible for me to gain over 3 lbs. And that even w/ my band it is possible...and that I need to watch myself better and continue to weigh and TRY HARDER. So today is 219 and I pray the next few days brings me closer to 213...b/c this number is soooo scary for me!
I barely made it through my day, silently getting everything done that needed to be done. When the kids were in bed and I was going to by to Mr's (Lloyd's) I didn't even feel like going. I was going to stay home and crawl in bed. that's usually what I do when I feel I cannot face the world. Was going to go to bed by 8. Then he tells me he doesn't feel well...and I feel obligated to go comfort him. So I go. And I tell him on the way that I don't feel like myself; he knows some of the things bothering me. He knows he cannot do anything to help. He knows he can only listen and comfort me.
Most times with a normal amount of anxiety, just laying in his arms is the cure. Last night, I felt so....out of touch, I didn't even know what to do. Didn't feel like talking, didn't feel like cuddling, didn't feel like anything. Almost as if my emotions and anxieties have been SO HIGH, that I had reached a point of sheer exhaustion and I just couldn't do ANYTHING anymore. He asked me to talk about what was wrong and 100 things shot through my mind in a moment. But I just said "Is there a way or a pill to make your mind JUST STOP?" Obviously....no. I wish there was. He gave me a xanax...I had always been against those...and most all other anti-depressants or anti-anxiety drugs.
Here's a secret about me; I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder in 2007. At the time I had just kicked Nate out of my house, I was a single Mom to two little little boys and my awful life I knew was just crumbling apart...at my will. There was a bright day around the corner but the stress and anxiety of the moment...my MD put me on an anxiety med b/c I was having daily anxiety/panic attacks.
A few months after treatment and therapy and getting on my own two feet, I came off the med and was all good. Hadn't had an anxiety attack since early 2008. They started back about 6 months ago....after I lost my 4 yr job. :(
I've resisted the idea that I needed meds again. I could sure go for some therapy but can't afford it and don't have insurance. But the last month I've talked to my closest friends and family members about getting on some sort of medication to "help me through". But my strong presence and knowledge of the pharmaceutical world....has made me want to stay away from any drug as much as possible. They are so harmful. The affects are so....bad. Most say, MD's say "The helpful affects outweigh the harmful affects" blah blah blah. Possibly true. And I agree with blood pressure meds and stuff. But some things can be treated with herbs, vitamins, or lifestyle change.
Oh which reminds me, I did actually buy 2 different herbal elixir's at Sprouts that are for anxiety. I've yet to use them b/c the only way to use them is to put a dropper full of it into a glass of water and slowly drink it that way. It's just too inconvenient for me. But I still carry them around in my purse just in case I were to NEED something.
So anyway, this is not me ranting about how bad drugs are. This is me saying that I've gotten myself into such a bad place...mentally....that I'm considering going against all I've ever believed in and asking my doctor for an anxiety med or anti depressant. I don't know what else to do right now. I can't shake the funk and I just have no clue what to do. I hate to bring all this negativity and blah-ness onto my blog and into your lives....this is just all I am right now. There is just no sunshine in my life at the moment. My dark days used to come and go, they'd leave as the sun set each day, with regularity....but this won't go. This is like a dark cloud following me around.
I truly believe with or without medication, I need to make improvements, tiny steps in the right direction. I need to remember my end goals, focus on my short term goals, work on those and make progress and I know this cloud will lift or diminish. My mood right now is likely b/c I feel like I'm a failure 100%, all across the board.
It's so hard for me to be this honest with myself, with you guys. I am truly a very optimistic happy person. I know you guys have all seen it. you have all commented on my eternal optimism and that REALLY IS ME! This is not me! I don't like this. This feels like I'm suffocating, drowning....like there's no light at the end of the tunnel.
I think I need an immediate plan of action (like meds) and then another plan to slowly work on my goals, accomplish 1 thing at a time to make me feel stronger again, more confident again. If I could lose a little weight, that'd be uplifting. But right now that just feels sooooo impossible. I need control. Control over SOMETHING...in a positive way!
Still no monsters. That's good. That's progress.
I have these nervous ticks where I jab my finger nail into my thumb, it's odd. Yes! Or I jab my finger nail under another nail...strange, yes. OR I bite on my lip. Or I chew on the inside of my cheek. These are my main nervous ticks that I can get away with doing anywhere, in public, most people do not realize. However, when I find these causing pain is when it finally hits me that I've been doing it "more than normal" and that my anxiety is out of control. Yesterday....it was out of control. My fingers and fingernails are SO SORE from me doing this all day yesterday. My bottom lip hurts from biting it all day yesterday. That pain, from the ticks, makes me feel like I'm a damn mess and wreck b/c now it's obvious I'm causing myself physical harm...which just sounds retarded to me. So this morning, not being in any better of a mood, I decide to at least take charge of my nervous ticks. So I cut my nails off this morning. I cut them as far back as I possibly could. Now I literally cannot do my nervous ticks. If I do it is not "fulfilling" in the way that it normally is...and so they are gone. It makes me a little happier to STOP that...for now.
I showed L what I do to my fingers and nails last night. I thought he'd say I was crazy. I even told him I was crazy and nuts. He looked at me and said "You are not crazy. I do that too sometimes." Somehow, he knows what to say to me. Somehow he can tell when my mood is so desperately awful that I am willing to confide something in him...and he doesn't take it for granted. He knows how to respond just the way I need him to. In a way I could not have even hoped for b/c I didn't even know what I needed to hear....until he says it. And then it just feels so good. That's what he does for me.
I've dated so many men in the past who when I showed them my genuine emotions, raw and real they freaked out or just told me I was "too emotional" or couldn't "control my emotions" and this made me very insecure to be the real me with men when I did finally get close to them. I took me 5 months to cry in front of L! When I did...he did exactly what I've always needed. I truly think this man was put on the planet to be my man...and to come into my life exactly when he did. When my life was spiraling out of control. And knowing that he is strong enough to handle me like this, makes me happy for some day when I'm all happy and back to normal and less stressed, that I know he'll be happy with me, content. And I know that our easy relationship will somehow be even easier...how's that even possible I have no clue. I couldn't have even imagined the greatness we have right now. To imagine it better...only seems like a fairytale.
Thank GOD for that!
xoxo,
Elizabeth
P.S. in the course of a week my weight has gone from 217 (a new high) to 221 yesterday! That's officially gaining 13 lbs from my lowest low (208) But I didn't maintain that for long. I've been comfortably hovering around 213 for months, so that's an 8 lb gain in the last week!!! I pray it's just a pre-period gain since I haven't had a period or hormonal spike in 3 mths due to my birth control. I felt and still feel mortified to even tell you guys that. Makes me feel like a true failure. Good news, I guess, is that I woke up to being 219 this morning. When you are losing weight and go from 250's to 249 or 240's to 239, ect is a SUPER BIG DEAL! It's a 10 lb mile marker for success and progress. So now that I saw the scale go over 220 and when I hit 219 MONTHS ago I swore I'd never go over 220 again. It just hits home to me that it actually is possible for me to gain over 3 lbs. And that even w/ my band it is possible...and that I need to watch myself better and continue to weigh and TRY HARDER. So today is 219 and I pray the next few days brings me closer to 213...b/c this number is soooo scary for me!
It sounds to me like you have EXACTLY the right attitude for medications.
ReplyDeleteFor things like anxiety and depression, medications are helpful but they aren't cures and you recognize that! To me, that says you're ready for some temporary help, because you know there are lots of other things you still have to do for you to be in a better place long term.
If you go on an SSRI, then the positives far outweigh the negatives, in my opinion. I'd stay away from a long-term prescription of Xanax or the like, though, because the negatives eventually outweigh the positives (tolerance and withdrawal, too sedating so you feel like you aren't fully present in your own life). Just my two cents.
I have suffered from anxiety for a long time - i was on medication once for a month - the lowest dosage possible but still felt zoned out/numb and I couldn't get horny so I went off it. You can tell where my priorities were. ha.
ReplyDeleteNow when i get panicky i SLEEP more, on purpose, and I literally have to make a WRITTEN note on what I can control and what i can't so I don't forget. because otherwise i'll be freaking out about EVERYTHING.
no bueno.
I guess my experience with anti-depressants have been so positive it's hard for me to understand why someone wouldn't give them a try. A close friend of mine was miserable, ready to leave his wife and kids, hated his job and pretty much hated his life. His primary care doctor said that depression can sometimes be caused by a chemical imbalance and if the medication didn't work than that meant he didn't need it. Two months later he was literally a different person. Happy with his life and happy with his marriage. I think you should give medication a try.
ReplyDelete