Come back blog...

I have found it really difficult to FOCUS on weight loss the last 6-8 months. I can't put my finger on exactly the reason but I found myself continually frustrated with myself and lack of progress. I can only honestly blame it on myself. Yes, my life has been busy. Yes, my life has been hella hectic. Yes, I have not tried to the best of my ability. Yes, I do believe being absent from blogland adds to the difficulty of losing weight. Yes, I feel like a failure 90% of the time.

I did not do a farewell post b/c I honestly had no clue I wouldn't post for so long. My life has been the most difficult and frustrating since June of 2010. Right around the 1 year anniversary of my band is when my life got soooo chaotic (yes, more than usual) and I believe a little depression even crept up on me. I hold up my head up, I smile, I forge on, but things get left in the dust when you realize you are only mentally capable of so much. I must admit and acknowledge my limitations for myself. I have not lost a POUND since May 2010. ALMOST A DAMN YEAR!!!! Yet...I have lost inches and gone down 1 size in jeans...but that happened last Fall. So in several months I've had no progress at all. I cannot even remember the last time I ran, that was my main source of exercise. My hiking and tennis I didn't really count as "exercise to lose weight" b/c I did those for enjoyment and activity in my life. I haven't even done those since at least November.

Just to breifly lay out a few unfortunate things...in June 2010 I got fired from my job I'd had for 4 years. That was the 1 HUGE thing in my life that represented stability to me and made me feel safe and secure in my life. Everything else could change or waver and I still felt fine. When I lost that job it set me in a tailspin. I tried to stay strong, I did ALOT of working out then. I had free time. I eventually came to the conclusion to file for unemployment, get student loans and go back to school. If all that worked out, I wouldn't need a job to support myself....TEMPORARILY. However, after 2 months of frustration, my umemployment was denied...TWICE. Then after cashing out my retirement (which I was BEYOND proud of accumulating at the age of 25, and BEYOND depressed about HAVING to cash it out) I paid my bills for 2 months...after that I had no means of survival. My mom, the only person who has ever provided me with advice that I actually listen to....she advised me to continue to fight for unemployment and NOT get a job b/c gas and daycare cost me so much....I'd profit more staying home. Well to most people who are logical this barely makes sense b/c YES I am a single Mom. But when we worked out the plan and budget, it actually made sense. So after not paying bills that 3rd month....I had to retreat...and move back in with my parents. THIS KILLED ME! I was blogging then and did not announce it on my blog. I was ashamed. I'm still ashamed. I had to break my lease in the house I loved, move my kids from their new schools they loved, move them in with their Grandparents (which they did NOT like, they are used to it just being us) and it was all just so difficult. BUT, that was my worst case scenario. That was my last option. It was all I had left to do. 

I was at my parents for another 2 months with my Mother urging me NOT to get a job. Living there, I could basically pay all my bills with my child support and keeping Konnor home with me. In return, she asked me to keep the house clean, focus on school work, etc. So i did. I signed up to take my first college class ON CAMPUS (Anatomy) and it was a blast. Around this same time I began dating Lloyd and I had the flexibility to go out with him several nights a week, after the boys were in bed, and they never missed me or even knew I was gone. I had this great flexibility. But in return, I was drowning in my own depression and self doubt (which still today lingers). 

By November, I could no longer handle my Mother saying "you contribute no money to this house, you owe me" when I didn't do something to her liking. I slowly began to realize the dysfuntion to our relationship. I finally began looking for a job, to "do my part" and school was almost over anyway. Within 2 weeks of looking I had 3 job offers, I picked the one that paid the most and took it! I was so excited! But within 3 weeks of having that TEMP job, they fired me the day after Thanksgiving :( Reason being there was a little drama there and I refused to partake in it. I told my recruiter at the staffing company the drama and BS I heard going on there...word made it back to my actual boss...he didn't like it. It was a major HS environment, small office type setting. I spoke about this on my FB page a few times. That hit my ego hard because it was right before Christmas and I had just bought my boys a few christmas present with my first check, was still paying school tuition, was back to paying high ass daycare prices, and just felt doomed all over again.

But I immediately got back to the job search and within a week found another job. I had to take a $2/hr paycut to take that job, but I wanted A JOB I didn't care what it paid at that point. However...the pay REALLY sucked and it was the longest commute I've EVEr had living here in Phoenix, it was way way long. BUT that place offered 50-80 hours a week that they'd let you work so I knew if I could fit the OT in my schedule I could actually make bank at that job! So I stayed. Around this same time, My parents were fighting 24/7, around me and my kids. I had to remove my kids from the house several times to keep them from the yelling and cussing. I am NOT that kind of person. I hate fights, hate yelling. And it scared my kids. So that began to REALLY stress me. Then mid december my Mom admit to me that they are losing their house to foreclosure. That was really tough for me. I had felt safe with my parents...until then. I knew they were going through their own struggles but I had no idea it was that bad for them. Shortly after that, my mom kicked my step dad out of the house. She bought him a one way plane ticket to fly to Montana, where the only family he has left lives. He was miserable and sad and it was REALLY HARD for me and the boys. (He's still there). Initially when he left he'd call me every other day crying asking what I thought he could do to win my mother back. It sucked...really bad. Mom and I immediately began looking for a house because we got the "move out" date for the foreclosure. That was a super hard process. Nobody wanted to rent to her b/c of the foreclosure and b/c she didn't have a lot of money and her credit sucks. It was just bad! For 3 weeks (all around christmas) we were packing, planning, looking at houses, filling out multiple house applications, paying app fees. Anytime we were not at work we were super busy with that. Also at that time, they were requiring me to work 50 hours a week at the new job. The one that was a super long drive. So I'd spend about 13-14 hours a day away from home, away from my kids. And my mom has always worked long hours. So it was a super super stressful time. We fought a lot.

We finally got a house, in Maricopa, the first week of January. Just a week before they were gonna kick us out of her house. She got a great house. But all the stress of moving and switching my boys schools AGAIN and loading and unpacking while my job wanted me to be working that many hours a week was super tough. 

So...that job, at Humana, they fired me last week. God that sucked. I was there 5 weeks. I had to miss 3 days in a row b/c both of the boys got a viral upper resp infection and had fevers of 103. There was nothing I could do. I had nobody to watch them. I offered to get a doctor's note for my work but they said "it's ok, totally understandable" but then they called me this past Fri evening (the staffing company did) and said "they don't want  you to come back Monday. God that really sucked. B/c of course I have all these bills to pay. I was just starting to make head way and get everything all caught up. I am still currently living with my Mother. Joe is still in Montana. The boys are loving their schools...but I just still feel so unsettled. I hate living with my mother. Over the last year I have realized how much I do not get along with her and how much I do not like her. Of course, I love her. But like...not so much. 

Lloyd and I are still great, even better than great, if that's possible. He's amazing to me and has taught me so much about myself, about growing up, and about having a mature relationship.  Nobody what happens with us, I couldn't be thankful enough for this whole experience with him. He has helped me and motivated me to continue to push on. We have made plans to move in together in August, HIS IDEA! wow right??? I'm very excited, very pleased!!!! He's great. I'm VERY MUCH looking forward to having that one great person, a happy, mature, responsible, stable individual in my daily life. Someone I get to see daily, hug daily, and just count on seeing his smiling face and ending the day wrapped in his arms. Nothing could make me happier, it seems.

So I did tell you guys about my abnormal pap back in November. I finally did my copalscopy last week. He did have to do a biopsy of ONE area. The pain was totally fine, not even painful. I was soooo freakin happy for that. I should know the results this Friday. I had been having weird symptoms and he said it's b/c of the depo shot I'm on, so I'm getting a hormone free IUD this Thur...I hope that works out. I'm probably gonna get my tubes tied before the end of the year though. I'm 99% sure, made a list and everything. I'm ready to close up the baby-makin shop. REALLY ready to be done with birth control after 10 yrs of it! 

Also, My 26th birthday was a few weeks ago! It was a really great one!!! I had my intimate, private celebration night with Lloyd which was amazing! then I had a night out with my girlfriends and my little sister! It was a blast! But I realized that night...something hit me...but I'm TOTALLY DONE W/ THE CLUB SCENE! We went to a bar and had a lil food and drinks then went to my fav club for some dancing...and it just wasn't as fun as the last time. It was kind of a let down. I was just "done" by like 1am and my friends who were my DD didn't want to leave, so I had Lloyd come pick me up in the middle of the night. Thang god for him b/c I was a little annoyed w/ my friends not wanting to leave. But we were there celebrating 2 diff bday's and the other bday girl didn't want to leave yet so I didn't wanna crash her gig. But it felt good to be "rescued" by Lloyd and taken back to his house and relax in the tub and then pass out. He was so caring. He was worried I'd had too much to drink so he wouldn't let me go to sleep without aspirin, vitamins, and drinking a ton of water. Awww! *Love*

So I am moving out soon. I found several cheap houses around here in Maricopa. I'm moving out with my tax return and I'm paying 4-6 months rent, so that I know I'm "set up" and secure for awhile. Also, since the pharmacy tech career IS dependable but most of the jobs are through temp companies...I'm pursuing other options, something different.

I've applied to a ton of non pharmacy jobs but haven't got a call back on any of them.

I've mentioned my plan to pursue nursing before, I'm putting my foot down and finally getting on the road to that. I can't afford the RN program and I can't work a regular Mon-Fri job around that school schedule...so I'm going to school for CNA first. That's a Certified Nurses Asst. They make about the same as Pharmacy Techs so it's no pay raise BUT it will give me the schedule to see my kids more (home 4 days a week) AND the freedom to  pursue more schooling w/o interfering with my life at all. So I picked the cna program and school I'm going to do. Classes start February 14th and I'm very excited. It's Mon-Fri 7am to 330pm for 4 weeks then I'm done. So then I'll begin work as a CNA and then start school for LPN (a Licensed Practical Nurse). That is an 11 month program at the same school, 4 days a week, part days. So then I can still work 3 days a week as a CNA but still see the boys a lot MORE often. I'm very stoked and optimistic about THIS new adventure!

See, I have plenty of happiness to look forward to, be happy about, and feel optimistic about. Just some times I get down on myself. And a lot of that is b/c of the weight and my general failures in life. I have only gained 2-3 lbs back from where I got down to before. That I guess is a major success. I've heard of others gaining 10-15 back at a time and although i am not talkin smack about anyone else....I am just proud I didn't. I always imagined that that is exactly what I'd do. My eating has been all over the charts. Some days are good, some arent'. I actually have felt like I had a band a few times in the last 2 months. I've had major tightness when it was super cold and rainy here. I think that's what it was. I finally couldn't eat any type of bread. I would get "super full" on soups. That's what I've always wanted. And I did lose a few pounds that month but put them back on the next month when my tightness and cold weather left. So I truly believe 1 more fill and I'd be OPTIMAL but I can't afford that just yet. So until then, I keep pushin on.

I WILL POST A TON OF NEW PICS IN MY NEXT POST! HOPEFULLY SOON!

Just had to do this.... (I was really sad I missed this for New Years)

word of the year: STABILITY!!!

I am seeking to find stability in my own life, stability that I can create and control and create a stable life for my boys! That's my 1 major goal this year!!!!

xoxo,

Lizzle

P.S. Sorry if that was a downer for anybody. I know some people on here don't like to read about anything other than weightloss. I had just had come back...be present...vent! Thank you!!! Love you guys!!!