It's Good...

Today, I get this email from my love (Lloyd):

"Here is a quote from a book that I love. I think I have sent this to you before, but I really like it. Especially when things seem insurmountable, and it seems like there is no way for any good to come out of anything. I just read this, and it helps me feel better. I hope it helps you.

'Frodo: I can’t do this Sam

Sam: I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories Mr. Frodo, the ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were, and sometimes you didn’t want to know the end because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come and when the sun shines it’ll shine out the clearer. Those are the stories that stayed with you, that meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think Mr. Frodo, I do understand, I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances a turnin’ back only they didn’t. They kept going, because they were holding onto somethin’.

Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?

Sam: That there’s some good in this world and it’s worth fighting for.' "

Awww! So...today was MUCH better. I scheduled an appointment with a Psychiatrist for next Wed to be seen to see if this is depression, anxiety or....here's the part I don't REALLY wanna share but I will...

(sidenote: I've always told you guys I'd be brutally honest. And it never bothered me before. But now some of you "know" me on Facebook and it just seems more personal...scarier. But I want to continue to keep up with the truth serum...genuine honesty is 1 thing I've always believed in.)

Back to the point: I'm also going to ask to be tested for Bipolar Disorder. My Father was diagnosed with Bipolar back in 2005 and he had been misdiagnosed with Depression for 15 years. By the time they discovered it, after he brutally attacked his then-wife and got arrested...his lithium levels were so low the MD said he was surprised my dad hadn't killed himself yet. As I've spoken to before, I am not close to my father. Neither is my sister or my half-sister. Also, ever since he was diagnosed (he did go on treatment, thank God) we have all secretly feared we'd end up having it too. Any emotional fit we had, any depression episode, or any SUPER HAPPY moment...we all feared we had it. We only admitted this to each other the last few years. My little sister has been tested and currently doesn't have it (although she is aware that it can set in later in life). My older sister has been diagnosed and deals with depression. I've never been diagnosed, I've never been tested or treated. I WAS diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder in '07 and it's still something I deal with. But I've always been too afraid to ask to be tested for Bipolar. I've been too afraid I'd be the one to have it! That scares me because out of us THREE I am the one that is an eternal optimist, almost always happy, laughy, goofy and silly. And if someone said my "happiness" was "mania" I'd feel horribly sad. Almost as if it had been unintentionally faked. Still makes me feel kinda sad.

But I'm at this point in my life where I just want to know. If not, depression and anxiety sure seem easier to deal with. Either, I would prefer. But come next Wednesday, I'LL KNOW. And I'm extremely happy about that!!!

PCP: Also scheduled an appt w/ my PCP to have labs done for; thyroid, blood glucose, minerals, etc. Just to make sure that's all in check. Last labs were done March '10. So I never had my 1 yr post op labs...or x-ray for that matter but I don't think I can do that yet w/o getting into a specialist. But I shall ask my PCP just in case. 

Xanax: I ain't doin' that again. That was not cool. IF I need medication (which I figure I do) I'll be shootin' for a lesser, baby version of whatever they wanna give me. I'm like...medication-sensitive! 

Food: Went to stock up on groceries this morning completely certain to try my best to ONLY buy healthy food. I bought ALL healthy food except this spicy bean dip that just looked so delish. It's probably not horribly un-healthy BUT I try to shy away from dips because....I will eat the whole container in 1 day. So...no bueno. But otherwise; green beans, black eyed beans, Naked juice, yogurt, cheese, broccoli, cliff bars, wheat thins, rice cakes! All my favorite foods! OH...ALSO...bought Stivia today to try to make my homemade ice tea then add Stivia per cup rather than 2 cups of sugar per gallon :/ Yeah, I know, it's ridiculous! But that's how you make true Southern Sweet Tea and it's beyond delish! But I am going to try to shoot for makin' my "sweet tea" minus the sugar then add the stivia and just see how it goes. Optimistic that it'll be good...let's hope. I'm a sweet-tea-hoe!

Mood: Mood was "normal" and mellow and good today. I'm glad. And the quote from Lloyd helped as well. He's great! =)

xoxo,

Lizzle