Some thoughts...ok lots of thoughts, lots of pics...and TMI!

I’ve been needing some good blog time. Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It has been 11 days since my last blog.


[I'm WARNING you now, this is HELLA long! You may need to plan for a pee or snack break...like an intermission!] 


I have been wanting to share so much with you guys. I have had so much on my mind, so much on my plate. Soooo sooo much! Change is in the air and normally I do welcome it with joyous waves…but this time…I feel uneasy. Too much change? Too quickly? I am not the one who knows, BUT I will tell you, I am bound to find the beauty in it all.


I sat down tonight searching through my archives of short stories and poems I have written. I came across one to my high school sweetheart that I wrote in November 2009 called “FUMichael”, catchy right? Lol! Then I found 2 old blog posts I had saved from June and July 2009. Right before and right after my surgery. It seems odd to go back over a year ago and re-read your own thoughts. I was so gung ho…I miss her! So then that reminded me of my post for New Years 2010. I was sooo excited, New Years could possibly be a top 3 favorite holiday for me! I don’t generally go out and party up the town, I just love the symbolism. So I wrote this post I want to attach here and I’ll tell ya what I’m thinking today…


[My December 31, 2009 New Years Blog]

I must start by saying I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the new year! It's like a fresh start, a chapter or book ending, new adventures around the corner, joyous occasions and unexpected bliss! Of course, that's b/c I am the eternal optimist! My 2010 astrology report isn't even as fabulous as 2009 was (it says I will have some struggles) but that's ok! I'm fine w/ that! You can't be fabulous 24/7 right?


So anyway, some people are doing a word to represent their year 2010! I would like mine to be LOVE!!!!!! As in, (first and foremost) love for myself, and finding love to fill my life...aka, A MAN! Well not A man but THE man who will fufill my hopes and desires and make me scream all night! haha! I tease, I tease! But this is the year to FALL INTO LOVE AGAIN, LEAP INTO THE UNKNOWN AND WORRISOME! I'm ready! 


I spent 2007 and 2008 repairing the damage my last relationship did to me, my life, my kids, and my career. Then I spent 2009 focusing on regaining the old Liz, being a better Liz, learning more, loving myself again, respecting myself again for the first time in AGES, and putting my effort into my career and education! 2009 WAS A MONSTER HUGE YEAR for me! I knew Dec 31, 2008 that great things were in store for that year! I don't know why but I felt it in my heart! I told myself then that "2009 IS THE YEAR FOR CHANGES!" sweep out the old and miserable, and in with new and hopeful! So I am beyond proud of where  this year has ended for me. I'm down 42-43 lbs, in a "normal" size jeans, sort of, and getting stuff on track or taking off! I love it! I love when things run smoothly and/or you accomplish goals, big or small!


If I could have a quote for 2010, it'd be "BELIEVE IT, BE IT!". If you watch biggest loser it is one of the past winners motto, or quote. I love the quote! I "believe" in the quote. I whole heartedly believe anything is possible w/ much determination and effort! 


I hope in 2010 I get my motivation quote tattoo, my music note tattoo, find love, make leaps and bounds in my education, earn a sweet promotion at work, and lose the rest of the weight I have to lose...66 lbs! I think that is doable considering I did 42 in 6 mths so I can do 66 in a year, considering the last 10-20 is probably the hardest! Oh and one thing I'd love the year or astrology gods to bring me for 2010, is TIGHT, TONED, SEXY ASS SKIN! I would love to not HAVE to have surgeries b/c I am not done having children....(probably) so the surgery would have to wait! Oh and I am soooooooooooooo excited to find love next year! haha! Tomorrow!


[end blog]



And...it's always fun to share old pics and be happy!

My start pic

Me this past June (1 yr post op and about 10 lbs ago)

So…love. I really did set out this year to accomplish that. I think I will briefly recount for my newer followers.


New Years EVE, I met Daniel! My friends brother. We were “fast friends” and all things were swell getting to know each other. We started dating within a week, but he did NOT want a serious “relationship” or to commit. I was sad about it, extra sad if truth be known. As the post shows, I was gung ho to find love and be happy! Well here I was with this guy I enjoyed immensely and he…not so much. But we did have fun together but that fizzled out within about 6 weeks. After a few weeks of silence, we both came to the conclusion that we value the “friendship” we had. So basically all we had was a friendship with sex and a date here or there. So we resolved to try to remain friends, each of us knowing that may be impossible. Well he immediately starts dating and I did not have time to adjust so I did spend a few wks silently suffering telling everyone “I’m ok, we’re just friends.” But really…it tore me up. I liked him, I really did. Then he can just turn it off (if it was ever on) find this new chic and tell me all about her. So then there were a few more awkward weeks. Eventually I made my peace…took some time to mourn the loss, appreciate the friendship, etc, blah blah blah fuckin blah! My life was basically consumed with D from January to March. (P.s. We ARE still friends, weird right? Ha!)


Then I met this guy on Match.com we talked for a few weeks too long and finally went on one date, LAME-O! Disappointment again.


All the while I had this crush on Prince Charming at work! Awwww, he was and still is gorgeous and dreamy! This Pharmacist in his early 40’s I totally had a mad crush on. Found out after like 8 wks of being too fuckin shy that he was HAPPILY ENGAGED. Joy! Disappointment…again.


But yet, I did this. I said to me and anybody on here who was listening and who would listen to me randomly at gas stations and grocery stores….THIS IS MY YEAR FOR LOVE, DAMNIT!!!! So I went back at the Match thing and told myself I had to be more open and flirty to random men on the streets. Just be friendly, make nice, remove the mp3 player thingies from my ears and interact with strangers.


The middle of June I was contacted by S. An OLD family friend, old bff of my older sister actually, who found me on Fb and thought I was “da bomb”. Well not really, I think his choice of words were “amazingly beautiful” and who the hell doesn’t fall for that? I mean come on now….I’m normal…I’m a chic. My ears are THAT easy! So we kind of began this few wks long courtship b/c he…oh yeah, major detail…lived in Arkansas. Wooo hooo, real winner there! (No offense to Arkie’s, just kudos on my part for not finding someone locally…hell….or even regionally) I actually really did like him. We had great conversations, he made me laugh, adorned me with compliments on my beauty (even w/o makeup on) and NO we did not MEET! EVER! Can I just say that Now to explain how lame I am? For real! We did this old “long distance relationship” (my ass!) for like 8 weeks. He eventually got distant and I felt something was up but he said “I’m just really busy with work, baby! Poor me!” and so I felt bad for insinuating. THEN, fucker breaks up with me. I mean, shocker yes, but can it really be called a break up when you haven’t physically touched the person?? I have no clue, but I vote no! I thought I would actually be tour up about him…took me like a few days to get over it! Lol! 


I spent August OFF. I didn’t want a man. I also spent some time contemplating if my approach was wrong. I decided by early Sept I had to do something different. I continued with Match.com but decided I put way too much pressure on myself calling this “dating” b/c I really have no dating experience, per say. So I decided I NEEDED to do “friends first” …


http://www.examiner.com/dating-advice-in-phoenix/friends-first 




… and see how that worked out for me. And I also decided…why not more than one? Weed ‘em down quicker, less of a waste of time if 1 doesn’t pan out. So first week of Sept I set out to do this. I met 4 guys on Match and 1 on face book, that were all potentials. They were compatible signs with me, cute, outgoing, and adventurous. I started to get to know ALL of them via text or email. Let me tell ya something, THAT IS A LOT OF WORK! I don’t know how men juggle 2+ women at once. There is just not enough time in the day. And I don’t even have a FULL TIME job! OMG! So after a week of communicating with all these men I was SOOOO STRESSED! I decided I had to get rid of 1 and see how I dealt. So I did, cut one lose. [down to 4] Then I decided another would REALLY end up just being a good friend because he made it clear to me he was taking a break from dating but he’s a cool ass guy! So I worried less about him. Leaving me now with 3 to pick from. I go to set up a date with D (a new one) and it falls through. Oh well. I go to set up a date with S (a new one) and I couldn’t follow through with the idea, so I didn’t even mention it to him. Lloyd was one of these guys. HE intrigued me the most with his WINNING PERSONALITY in email. But when I would look at his pic and remember he is a Virgo I thought, “ehhhh, hmmmm, I dunno. I just don’t know.” I honestly at one point contemplated blowing him off and as quickly as that popped into my mind he sent me another snazzy text to light up my day and make my stomach hurt from CHRONIC LAUGHTER! So I thought “let’s give it a shot, it’s just a new friend anyway, right.” So I go on the first “date and/or non-date” with L. It goes soooo well, that I text one of the others guys DURING it to tell him it wasn’t going to work with him. First “date” with L was just so good, relaxing, no pressure, chill, I felt comfortable, I had beer (hehe) he made me laugh! Just GOOD! OH AND I didn’t wear spanx on that date BUT I felt so beautiful and confident! A first! Blew off the last guy within a few days of that first date with Lloyd. Then within another few days, Lloyd was my boyfriend. 


So now that we are at present day…I’d like to make an announcement. I am, once again, changing my frame of thinking. Damnit to hell, it is REALLY difficult to do. But here I am, as happy as a pig covered in shit and all I do is worry about the future. Is he the one? Could we get married? Will my kids like his kids? Will his ex wife treat me like shit? Will we have kids or should I get my tubes tied? Where would we vacation in December? I swear to GOD that is how my brain works! I do not pick it to be this way. Those thoughts do not originate in my brain with MY permission, they just happen. And I don’t love him yet. I don’t know why I ponder these things but I do, I JUST WORRY WORRY WORRY! As in my blog from New Years, I do want love. I do believe I will find it. But at this point in my life, I need to stop stressing over it. I actually had a talk with Lloyd about this today. I told him I have expectations of people and I am trying to learn to expect NOTHING and that includes him. He is so good to me!Thanks a lot, hun! I say thanks because here is another man who isn’t sure of what he wants in the future. Not even pertaining to me. He just has no clue if he wants a wife again because his divorce was so awful. He has NOT said he doesn’t want serious or commitment. He DOES want that. That’s why we went from dating to being “boyfriend & girlfriend” within a week. So that’s a plus to me that he doesn’t shy from commitment, he is obviously the committed type. But he just doesn’t know or focus on where his future is headed. I can’t fret over that or be mad at him for that. I have never met someone who ponders the future like I do…borderline obsessively. 


http://www.examiner.com/dating-advice-in-phoenix/divorce-and-separation 




OKAY LOVELIES! So here’s my goal for the rest of the year in the romance department…..


***DON’T WORRY…DON’T PLAN…LET IT HAPPEN…ENJOY MYSELF***


More like a 4 point plan but STILL, I need to chill the hell out mentally. BTW, Lloyd barely knows about this. We did speak on it but he doesn’t realize how messed up I am! lol! I’m also trying to focus on keeping my “crazy” to myself. Lloyd says people should SLOWLY share their “crazy” with other people. And he’ll tell me some story and say “ok…so that’s today’s dose of crazy” Lol! 


So I’ve really been hitting up my good friend Aimme Jo for advice on this b/c she is amazing with realistic, logical, relationship advice. She knows my issues and triggers and tells me how to deal with things. So I have already hit her up for advice on “slowing down my emotional brain” and she has suggested a book, a video series and then given me info to look into Buddhism, which I’ve wanted to do for awhile now! So…I will thoroughly use her advice and resources and at least see how that goes! 


And I just feel the need to share, b/c this has to do with weight loss…this may be TMI, so I’ll warn ya now!


When I was at my heaviest I was SUPER insecure about my body during sex. Enough so I spent a few years being single and not sexually active because I wanted to lose some weight before getting back into “the bedroom”. So I’ve had 3 sexual relationships since I got back into the game. (And I hope saying that does not evoke judgments) So after the first 40 lbs I was way less insecure but still had some insecurities to work out. THIS relationship now (with Lloyd) I am feeling the most beautiful and confident that I have EVER in my life. *Bliss* Including when I was like 18 and such. OF course I still hate my stomach but it’s really the only part that bothers me on my entire body. So that is major improvements. So just thought I’d share and brag that I’ve done probably 5-7 new positions I’d never done before…. A few new “places” that are BEYOND exciting! I just feel so sexually adventurous these days! Can I just say....public...raunchy....OMG! And I really am loving it!!!


And now for pics from mine and Lloyd's day adventure!!! In case you guys missed it, I was planning on going to the BOOBS convention and couldn't afford it the last minute. So Lloyd felt bad and offered to take me on an adventure of my choosing to make me happy! We had a mini road trip (3 hrs) up to Sedona, Az to hike! Then we rushed back to Phoenix to make a Az Diamondbacks Pro Baseball game! My FIRST Pro game ever!!!

Under this huge rock!

Awww! Just Awwwwww! 

 

We had pretty damn good seats for buying them last minute! He's so good to me!

Now was it weird that I share the pics of Lloyd and I AFTER I just tell you about our sex life? Lol! Hope not! Yeah....that's how I roll!

xoxo,

Lizzle

P.s. I must blog about weight loss thoughts seperate and very soon! I'm having mental struggles I must share!