Why I've been..."absent"...
"LUCY! You have some explaiiiiiiiining to do!"
That's how I feel.
Ok so in the last week, I've had a few blips on my emotional radar. It has sucked. First off, it's my boyfriend and I. I'd say they are pretty common MINOR issues and by far, the greatness we've had DOES over shadow the tiny bad blips. BUT, I have emotional issues. Therefore, things seem bigger to me initially. If my mood is off when said issue arises, I make a BIGGER deal out of it. So I have conveyed some of this to my new bf, and some I have purposely kept to myself, wrote for myself, to try and process ALL said negative feelings without lashing them all onto him. So in the last 3 days I've posted 2 sad "poems", my style. I did feel utterly helpless and depressed in some moments. However, writing helps me. It releases things I cannot always verbalize. Issue 1 Lloyd and I resolved asap, it was a simple issue. Just a topic in our conversation struck a chord with my abandonment issues, nothing that was his fault but i did take it out on him for a few hours. Issue 2 happened today. It is bigger. HUGE to me, but I realize I am not "normal", I have man issues, I have insecurities and I exaggerate. So today has been me trying sort what was realistic, what is really bad and what is just "Liz bad", ya know, me being dramatic. Lloyd and I have discussed it all day. Obviously I will not go into detail here. BUT I will say, this one, is still not resolved. In fact, at the end of the day, I resolved to not talk to him anymore today. :( I just need space, for a moment. He doesn't understand fully, but partially, so that's a start. He asked me later if I'd come over tonight to discuss, I ignored. I told him earlier I'd probably still come tomorrow after class (one of our usual times) but I'm thinking now I'll still want to keep the distance by then. Part of me, wants to be "away" so he purposely misses me. The "issue" is his fault, HE did wrong. So I want him to not only realize that (he has) but I want him to sit and ponder, regret, dwell. Now before anybody assumes, he did not cheat on me, we are mostly all good. It's just one pretty simple thing that I take.....VERY badly. This is by no means, the end. At least, for now I don't think. It's my choice. And for now I just choose to remain at my house, in my world, separate, away.
I couldn't wish MORE now that I had a physical job outside the house. I was so bummed today I just laid around, played facebook games...did nothing, even napped to try to "nap away" the emotions. :(
Now I wanted to go into something of substance, lapband substance, today because I haven't blogged about it in awhile. The last two weeks I've felt like I've been in a slump. What kind you say? I have no clue. A plateau? No clue. Maybe. I dunno.
Here's the deal:
I don't eat great. In fact, some days (without tracking it) I imagine I've gotten up to 2500 calories in a day, probably several days. Some days, I might've done more. Other days, I barely ate. My eating habits have been all over the map. In the last 2 weeks I've PB'd twice, been stuck a few times, and slimed once. The sliming, I think that was my first official, real, long lasting SLIME! IT was miserable. Now I can't even remember what I ate but it just didn't feel right, no warning (to my knowledge) I quit eating and walked around the house. I ended up on the back porch TRYING to get it to come up and throw up. But it wouldn't. I had all this pressure down low in my throat, or high in my chest. It sucked. I ended up throwing up "slime" for probably 20 mins and was "OK" like 30 mins later. I had my (.) in the last week and did NOT actually experience any band tightness like I did last month, odd.
Here's the rest of the story:
I've been ACTIVE like an addict! In the last two weeks I've played tennis (solo OR w/ a partner) 4x, hiked 3x, ran 3x!!! That is 10 days of activity out of the last 14. It has felt so great. Tennis is new for me and sooo much fun! I blogged about that recently, well I've kept at it and took my lil sister along last time and it was cool! (Sidenote: She just moved here and she's tryin to get off about 30 lbs so she's admirably coming to her big sissy for some help in the activity department! That means the world to me that I can, for once, be an example!) The runs have been pretty good. BUT since my half marathon (April) I realize my training slipped. I've gotten faster but run shorter distances. And that was my initial training plan right AFTER the half. But now I'm beginning training for another half, In Feb! So I realize I need to focus again on longevity, endurance, stamina. So I just downloaded the "Couch 2 5k Podcast Program" again to go with that. I listened through a few and I'm thinking with my abilities right now I'm at about Week 4, if I do my slower, usual pace (rather than running faster). So I'm gonna do that. Then I went ahead and downloaded the "Freeway to 10k" podcast running program which is the same concept but it bridges you from 5k to 10k with the same successful method. They also have "Gateway to 8k" :)
http://www.djsteveboy.com/fw210k.html
The fun and amazing thing about this is that I LOVE IT! I look forward to it. None of it feels like I "have" to do it, shit, it doesn't even feel like I'm "exercising". It just feels like I'm out being active, physically moving, having fun! And that is a MAJOR NSV for me! So that is super, super, duper exciting! <--Fake excitement b/c I'm still in a "blah" mood.
Here's the kicker:
I haven't gained a pound. In all my extravagant, indulgent eating, I keep weighing every other day thinking I'll see a 3-5 lb spike. I have not. I have basically fallen off the wagon eating wise, but yet my body is okay. During hormonal monster food cravings (and giving in) I didn't gain a pound. My body must like it at this weight. I've heard before that every 10-15 lbs some people hit this stopping period where their body is trying to READJUST then it will gladly continue downward for you if you continue the good habits. Well I don't exactly practice good habits BUT it makes me feel happy and optimistic that my body can maintain this weight even when my eating is WAY off kilter! Be it, if I had eaten well I'd probably lost a few pounds in the last 2 weeks, but one can be grateful of NOT gaining when mentally not on par!
I have some other issues I feel like I should address here but....for tonight, I am just too pooped. Mentally and emotionally drained, physically stuffed, and physically sore. So I'll cry myself to sleep (not really...I don't think) and finish the story tomorrow.
I love you guys! I truly do. So many of you are great support for me! So many of you I wish were here in person JUST to hug me. I'm a hugger! Did I tell you that? I love to hug. Hugging brings me peace, happiness, contentment, and acceptance. I don't know why. I could use a hug right now. But, alas, my boys are asleep, I'm avoiding Lloyd, and I only go to my non-emotional, cold hearted Mom when I'm desperate....maybe desperation is beginning to sit in. Her hugs always make me cry. Because by then, I've reached my breaking point of what I can physically hold in any longer :( We'll see. I'll push on! Upward and onward!
xoxo,
Lizzle
That's how I feel.
Ok so in the last week, I've had a few blips on my emotional radar. It has sucked. First off, it's my boyfriend and I. I'd say they are pretty common MINOR issues and by far, the greatness we've had DOES over shadow the tiny bad blips. BUT, I have emotional issues. Therefore, things seem bigger to me initially. If my mood is off when said issue arises, I make a BIGGER deal out of it. So I have conveyed some of this to my new bf, and some I have purposely kept to myself, wrote for myself, to try and process ALL said negative feelings without lashing them all onto him. So in the last 3 days I've posted 2 sad "poems", my style. I did feel utterly helpless and depressed in some moments. However, writing helps me. It releases things I cannot always verbalize. Issue 1 Lloyd and I resolved asap, it was a simple issue. Just a topic in our conversation struck a chord with my abandonment issues, nothing that was his fault but i did take it out on him for a few hours. Issue 2 happened today. It is bigger. HUGE to me, but I realize I am not "normal", I have man issues, I have insecurities and I exaggerate. So today has been me trying sort what was realistic, what is really bad and what is just "Liz bad", ya know, me being dramatic. Lloyd and I have discussed it all day. Obviously I will not go into detail here. BUT I will say, this one, is still not resolved. In fact, at the end of the day, I resolved to not talk to him anymore today. :( I just need space, for a moment. He doesn't understand fully, but partially, so that's a start. He asked me later if I'd come over tonight to discuss, I ignored. I told him earlier I'd probably still come tomorrow after class (one of our usual times) but I'm thinking now I'll still want to keep the distance by then. Part of me, wants to be "away" so he purposely misses me. The "issue" is his fault, HE did wrong. So I want him to not only realize that (he has) but I want him to sit and ponder, regret, dwell. Now before anybody assumes, he did not cheat on me, we are mostly all good. It's just one pretty simple thing that I take.....VERY badly. This is by no means, the end. At least, for now I don't think. It's my choice. And for now I just choose to remain at my house, in my world, separate, away.
I couldn't wish MORE now that I had a physical job outside the house. I was so bummed today I just laid around, played facebook games...did nothing, even napped to try to "nap away" the emotions. :(
Now I wanted to go into something of substance, lapband substance, today because I haven't blogged about it in awhile. The last two weeks I've felt like I've been in a slump. What kind you say? I have no clue. A plateau? No clue. Maybe. I dunno.
Here's the deal:
I don't eat great. In fact, some days (without tracking it) I imagine I've gotten up to 2500 calories in a day, probably several days. Some days, I might've done more. Other days, I barely ate. My eating habits have been all over the map. In the last 2 weeks I've PB'd twice, been stuck a few times, and slimed once. The sliming, I think that was my first official, real, long lasting SLIME! IT was miserable. Now I can't even remember what I ate but it just didn't feel right, no warning (to my knowledge) I quit eating and walked around the house. I ended up on the back porch TRYING to get it to come up and throw up. But it wouldn't. I had all this pressure down low in my throat, or high in my chest. It sucked. I ended up throwing up "slime" for probably 20 mins and was "OK" like 30 mins later. I had my (.) in the last week and did NOT actually experience any band tightness like I did last month, odd.
Here's the rest of the story:
I've been ACTIVE like an addict! In the last two weeks I've played tennis (solo OR w/ a partner) 4x, hiked 3x, ran 3x!!! That is 10 days of activity out of the last 14. It has felt so great. Tennis is new for me and sooo much fun! I blogged about that recently, well I've kept at it and took my lil sister along last time and it was cool! (Sidenote: She just moved here and she's tryin to get off about 30 lbs so she's admirably coming to her big sissy for some help in the activity department! That means the world to me that I can, for once, be an example!) The runs have been pretty good. BUT since my half marathon (April) I realize my training slipped. I've gotten faster but run shorter distances. And that was my initial training plan right AFTER the half. But now I'm beginning training for another half, In Feb! So I realize I need to focus again on longevity, endurance, stamina. So I just downloaded the "Couch 2 5k Podcast Program" again to go with that. I listened through a few and I'm thinking with my abilities right now I'm at about Week 4, if I do my slower, usual pace (rather than running faster). So I'm gonna do that. Then I went ahead and downloaded the "Freeway to 10k" podcast running program which is the same concept but it bridges you from 5k to 10k with the same successful method. They also have "Gateway to 8k" :)
http://www.djsteveboy.com/fw210k.html
The fun and amazing thing about this is that I LOVE IT! I look forward to it. None of it feels like I "have" to do it, shit, it doesn't even feel like I'm "exercising". It just feels like I'm out being active, physically moving, having fun! And that is a MAJOR NSV for me! So that is super, super, duper exciting! <--Fake excitement b/c I'm still in a "blah" mood.
Here's the kicker:
I haven't gained a pound. In all my extravagant, indulgent eating, I keep weighing every other day thinking I'll see a 3-5 lb spike. I have not. I have basically fallen off the wagon eating wise, but yet my body is okay. During hormonal monster food cravings (and giving in) I didn't gain a pound. My body must like it at this weight. I've heard before that every 10-15 lbs some people hit this stopping period where their body is trying to READJUST then it will gladly continue downward for you if you continue the good habits. Well I don't exactly practice good habits BUT it makes me feel happy and optimistic that my body can maintain this weight even when my eating is WAY off kilter! Be it, if I had eaten well I'd probably lost a few pounds in the last 2 weeks, but one can be grateful of NOT gaining when mentally not on par!
I have some other issues I feel like I should address here but....for tonight, I am just too pooped. Mentally and emotionally drained, physically stuffed, and physically sore. So I'll cry myself to sleep (not really...I don't think) and finish the story tomorrow.
I love you guys! I truly do. So many of you are great support for me! So many of you I wish were here in person JUST to hug me. I'm a hugger! Did I tell you that? I love to hug. Hugging brings me peace, happiness, contentment, and acceptance. I don't know why. I could use a hug right now. But, alas, my boys are asleep, I'm avoiding Lloyd, and I only go to my non-emotional, cold hearted Mom when I'm desperate....maybe desperation is beginning to sit in. Her hugs always make me cry. Because by then, I've reached my breaking point of what I can physically hold in any longer :( We'll see. I'll push on! Upward and onward!
xoxo,
Lizzle
sending you a virtual hug now... can't wait to get to hug you in person someday- I am a hugger too :)
ReplyDelete(hugs) I hope everything works out the way you need it to with Lloyd and congrats on the NSV!
ReplyDeleteGood for you that you're taking a first step and writing it out that your eating hasn't been optimal. I have found that taking stock (by writing a food journal OR making a food plan for a day or even 3 days) has helped me get back on track when I've gotten off... Hope this helps.
ReplyDeletepoor girl! don't be down! i'm sure we will both snap out of it. Kristen is hosting another challenge - woo hoo!
ReplyDeleteP.S. Will you come be my personal trainer?
BIG HUG FOR YOU!! Hugs are the best! Keep your head up...we are never given more than we can handle. Things will get better like they always do! You are blessed that after eating 2500 calories you didnt gain! Goodness, I would have weighed 3 pounds more the next day!!
ReplyDeleteHUGGGGG!!! I'm a hugger too. I can't believe how active you are, thats incredible. Well done!! Its nice that your sister is coming to you for support in her loosing that 30 pounds.
ReplyDeleteI hope things with Lloyd are smoothed over Liz!!
Lots of love!!!