Sad Moment
I just recorded a video for myself. I did a video to Skinny Liz on how we're feeling now, what I hope for her, what I'm proud of, and where we've been. I figured I might eventually share it on here but it's 12 minutes so I doubt it. Why sad you ask? Because I think about all the years spent trapped, feeling caged, feeling lonely, and consumed by self hate. As much as I am a happy, optomistic, funny person I've ALWAYS secretly carried around an ugly, bitter self-hate. I think it is worse than any depression, self esteem issues, and self value issues. When your inner voice talks to you in such a nasty, hateful way how can you begin to love yourself? Why do you think you deserve better? YOU DON'T. you don't give a shit. you make yourself fatter b/c when you want to eat junk, your brain pops in and says "don't do that" and the self hate rears it's ugly head and says "why not, your not worth it. a man will never want you anyway."
I addressed this issue in my video and I am proud to say I no longer deal with self hate. I don't know at what moment it went away or how it truly happened, I can only thankfully blame it on the band!!! I just feel so sad about it b/c I wish I would've expected more of myself. I wish I would've loved ME more. I wish I wouldn't have wasted so much time feeling so empty and so ugly and so awful. It actually makes me tear up, and I am not a crier. I feel so bad for the mean things I've said to myself and I really think it can be described as an ex- verbally abusive relationship w/ a person. But that person for me was my inner self. I verbally beat the hell out of myself all the time, all day, everyday. And how I manged to stay chipper on the outside, I have no freakin' clue.
I'm just glad those days are over! Glad they are long gone, well probably only a few months gone since I'm nearing 6 mths post op. But gone, needless to say. I'm thankful for my new found respect and love for myself. The feelings I have for myself now are so overwhelming and so positive and powerful I'd almost cry, again. I am so thankful to be here, to be a mere 40 lbs down yet it's changed my entire world! I can't even imagine my happiness with 100 lbs down. I don't know what greatness to expect. I'm just glad. I'm happy.
xoxo from a self-loving Liz!!!
I addressed this issue in my video and I am proud to say I no longer deal with self hate. I don't know at what moment it went away or how it truly happened, I can only thankfully blame it on the band!!! I just feel so sad about it b/c I wish I would've expected more of myself. I wish I would've loved ME more. I wish I wouldn't have wasted so much time feeling so empty and so ugly and so awful. It actually makes me tear up, and I am not a crier. I feel so bad for the mean things I've said to myself and I really think it can be described as an ex- verbally abusive relationship w/ a person. But that person for me was my inner self. I verbally beat the hell out of myself all the time, all day, everyday. And how I manged to stay chipper on the outside, I have no freakin' clue.
I'm just glad those days are over! Glad they are long gone, well probably only a few months gone since I'm nearing 6 mths post op. But gone, needless to say. I'm thankful for my new found respect and love for myself. The feelings I have for myself now are so overwhelming and so positive and powerful I'd almost cry, again. I am so thankful to be here, to be a mere 40 lbs down yet it's changed my entire world! I can't even imagine my happiness with 100 lbs down. I don't know what greatness to expect. I'm just glad. I'm happy.
xoxo from a self-loving Liz!!!
Hey Liz,
ReplyDeleteOh, I so hear you on the wanting to cry part - and don't you sometimes wake up and feel a bit scared? Like this might be a dream and we really haven't lost this weight - that we are still our old selves? I do.. sometimes lol.
Hey thanks for leaving comments.. it's nice to see you and hear from you. You are doing amazingly and I hope that 12 min video helped get some stuff off your chest. Sometimes its just cathartic to get it all out there, even if no one else sees it.. it's just for you.
Hugs
Cara
You shouldn't be sad, you can't cry over wasted time or years, you have to look forward. Who cares how much time it took or how long you waited to do something. You did it! Be proud that you did and forget all the horrible things. We all have things that we wish we could change and you can;t spend this new great time mourning the past. Its over done, move on and enjoy the future. :)
ReplyDeleteI've never had a dream that it was not real but that would truly be a nightmare! haha!
ReplyDeleteBein' bummed about the wasted years really just makes me bummed at myself that I let it get me down so much! But it's a new day...it's a new life!!!