coming to you live from a nicotine haze!

OK SO I WILL BE THE FIRST TO ADMIT WHEN I'M STUPID, WRONG, OR IGNORANT. I DO HATE BEING ANY OF THOSE THINGS.

TODAY I'VE BEEN STUPID! MY DAY STARTED OUT W/ MY 3 YR OLD GETTING IN MY FRIDGE AND MAKING A MESS ALL OVER MY KITCHEN AND LR GETTING INTO FOOD. SO I WAS PISSY, TO SAY THE LEAST. I CLEANED THE MESS AND REFRAINED FROM FREAKING OUT. SERVED BREAKFAST, 3 YR OLD REFUSED TO EAT. FINE. 30 MINS LATER, HE'S IN THE PANTRY AGAIN. I SPANK HIM. SO HE FINDS "THE BREAKFAST" ON THE COUNTER AND PART IN THE TRASH, AND STARTS EATING IT. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S WRONG W/ THIS CHILD. HE PUSHES ME! HE PUSHES ME TO MY LIMITS AND I BORDER INSANITY DEALING W/ HIM ON THE WEEKENDS.

I LOVE HIM TO DEATH, SO I JUST TELL HIM HOW STUPID THAT IS AND GET ONTO HIM. DEICDE I'LL PUT THEM IN THE TUB TO PLAY FOR 30 MINS OR SO WHILE I WATCH TV TO DISTRACT MYSELF AND "CHILL OUT" FOR A BIT. MOSTLY I JUST GIVE THEM SHOWERS NOW B/C BATHS HAVE TURNED INTO A BAD THING, AS OF THE LAST YR OR SO. SO THEY'RE GETTING A BUBBLE BATH, LAUGHING, HAVING FUN. I WAS GLAD FOR THEM. GLAD FOR ME THEY WERE CONTAINED TO ONE SMALL AREA FOR A BRIEF MOMENT. I HAVE A BAG OF CHEETOS WITH ME WHILE WATCHING TV, CONSIDERING "CHEATING" TO "MELLOW OUT". I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN ONE TO 1) EAT 2) SMOKE OR 3) WRITE TO CALM MYSELF DOWN. I KNOW MY TRIGGERS, I KNOW MY ANSWERS. THERE IS A MAJOR LOGICAL PROCESS IN WHAT I DO AND HOW I DEAL W/ STUFF.

SO, MY 5 YR OLD COMES TO ME NAKED AND WET AND SAYS "MOMMY. YOU'RE NOT GONNA LIKE IT. KONNOR PUT THE TOWELS AND THE CLOTHES IN THE BATH TUB." WTF! SERIOUSLY??? I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG W/ HIM. I GET HIM OUT AND SPANK HIS WET ASS AND BANISH HIM TO HIS ROOM. I WAS BEYOND PISSED, BEYOND UPSET, BEYOND TIRED, SO FUCKING TIRED OF IT ALL. I CALL MY MOM AND ASK HER TO TAKE THEM FOR A FEW HRS SO I CAN FIND A GOOD WAY TO CALM MYSELF DOWN AND CLEAN UP THE MESSES HE'S MANAGED TO DO FROM 7AM TO 10AM.

SEE, I AM A SINGLE MOTHER. A TITLE I HAVE ACCEPTED AND I WAS AWARE BEFORE HOW DIFFICULT IT IS. WOMEN WHO HAVE ALWAYS HAD A PARTNER, DO NOT KNOW. YOU CANNOT IMAGINE WHAT IT'S LIKE. AND IF U ONLY 1 KID YOU REALLY CAN'T IMAGINE EITHER. B/C MY FIRST KID IS AN ANGEL. BEFORE KONNOR, I WOULD HAVE SAID ANY KID PROBLEM CAN BE RESOLVED W/ CALMNESS AND LOGIC. THIS KID, HE PUSHES ME. I DON'T KNOW WHY. HE MAKES LIFE MORE DIFFICULT THAN IT HAS TO BE. I TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHY HE DOES THINGS, WHAT CAN I DO DIFFERENT, CAN I LOVE HIM MORE, CAN I PLAY W/ HIM MORE, WHAT DOES HE NEED FROM ME? I HAVE NO CLUE. I'VE TRIED SEVERAL THINGS, SEVERAL PUNISHMENTS, NOTHING IS PERMANENTLY SUCCESSFUL!

SO IN THESE MOMENTS WHEN I LIVED W/ MY MOM OR MY EX, I WOULD JUST COMPLETELY REMOVE MYSELF FROM THE SITUATION. LEAVE THE HOUSE, JUST DRIVE AROUND. ANYTHING TO GO AWAY AND CLEAR MY HEAD. I CAN DO THAT PRETTY WELL, RATIONALIZE THINGS, CALM DOWN WITHIN 10 OR 15 MINUTES AND COME BACK. I CAN COME BACK TO THE CRAZINESS AND CALMLY DEAL W/ IT. BUT SINCE BEING A SINGLE PARENT, JUST LIVING W/ MY KIDS (NOBODY AROUND TO HELP OUT) I HAVE HAD SEVERAL MOMENTS I WANTED TO FREAK OUT. MAYBE 3X IN THE LAST 2 YRS AND I WOULD JUST GO OUTSIDE, TELL THEM TO LEAVE M ALONE FOR A MINUTE, SMOKE, AND CALM MYSELF DOWN. WELL....I QUIT SMOKING FEB 1ST. SINCE THEN, IT'S BEEN A PROBLEM. I'VE BEEN STRESSED OUT MORE, FLIPPED OUT MORE, YELLED MORE, ECT.

I KNOW SCIENTIFICALLY, CIGARETTES AND NICOTINE DO NOT CALM YOU DOWN. IN FACT, THEY HAVE THE OPPOSITE AFFECT. I GET THAT. BUT FOR ME, IT WAS MY SOLICE. MY MOMENT TO CALM. SINCE QUITING SMOKING, I RESORTED BACK TO FOOD BEING MY "CALMING" THING FOR A FEW MTHS UNTIL MY SURG IN JUNE. SO FEB-JUNE I WAS "OK". NOW I'M SO NOT OKAY. SO TODAY, AFTER ALL HIS MESSES AND ADITTUDE, I THOUGHT:

1) PULL MY HAIR OUT AND RUN AWAY
2) EAT A BAG OF CHEETOS AND LOCK HIM IN HIS ROOM
OR
3) SMOKE AND SEND THEM TO MY MOMS

I CHOSE SMOKING. I CHOSE SENDING THEM TO MY MOMS. I REALLY THINK IT WAS THE BEST SOLUTION SO THAT MYKIDS DON'T HATE ME AND I DON'T FEEL 'BAD" AFTERWARDS. ONLY SUCKY PART, IS MY MOM HATES IT. SHE GOT PISSED AT ME FOR STRESSES OUT. SHE SOMEHOW THINKS I'M JUST NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH IT, YET SHE CAN'T BABYSIT THEM FOR MORE THAN AN HOUR B/C 'SHE" CAN'T CONTROL THEM. SO REALLY? IT'S STUPID. BUT THEY ARE GONE NOW AND I'M CALMING DOWN AND I'M GOING TO CLEAN UP HIS MESSES. THEN WHEN WE ARE TOGETHER AGAIN, THE MOMENT WILL BE GONE, THEHOUSE WILL BE CLEAN AGAIN, AND HIM AND I CAN PRETEND NOTHING EVER HAPPENED. I JUST WISH 1) HE DIDN'T DO THESE THINGS AND 2) I COULD DEAL W/ HIM BETTER.

SO I DON'T KNOW IF I'M A SMOKER AGAIN OR IF IT'S JUST TODAY. IF I CAN BE "MELLOW LIZ" AGAIN AND SMOKE ALITTLE, I THINK I'M COOL WITH IT. IT JUST SUCKS B/C I REALLY WANT THIS WHOLE EXPERIENCE TO BE A 100% HEALTHY TRANSFORMATION AND I KNOW I NEED TO NOT SMOKE TO BE HEALTHY. MAYBE I CAN JUST SMOKE NOW SO I DO NOT EAT OUT OF CONTROL AND CONQUER SMOKING ONCE I'M AT MY GOAL WEIGHT. I DON'T KNOW. RIGHT NOW IT'S JUST IN THE MOMENT, SO WE'LL SEE.
XOXO,
LIZ