I'm changing...OMG I'm changing!
I do not have time to post this tonight, but like a true writer I must do it quickly before the moment passes and I lose it.
This whole process, prepraing for surgery, having surgery, and dealing w/ stuff afterwards, thus far, has been life altering. I've only lost 20 lbs so far (woot woot!) but mentally I've come leaps! I mentioned this to Amy earlier...the weird, crazy, hippie, doofy, brillant Liz you guys see on here has not been teh Liz I portray in life. I am ME w/ my family and my ONE BFF! but all otehr friends, co-workers, and acquaintances only got a 1/10 of the real me. Seeing Amy's refreshing craziness and glittery personality, I felt at home. I found comfort, laughter, and peace in her blogs b/c I could so greatly relate. I would share things from her blog to tell my mom and say "see, she's weird like me. She's crazy and everybody commenting on her page loves it. They say they love her." I think that whole process is what made me be the real ME on my blog. It was a safe, sheltered place to let the freak in me out. And then if people didn't like it, they could just go away, generally w/o even leaving a rude comment.
So I have done that. and I have found people w/ open arms that enjoy my creepiness. People who obviously like to frolick in the creepy realms of my imagination. Another aspect of me that is changing is I'm learning mroe about astrology which has always been a passion of mine. Now I've found someone at work who knows alot about it and I'm picking her brain non-stop. I feel like over these last 2 mths of my life I've slowly peeled away the layers of 20 lbs and along w/ it left the FAKE LIZ, SERIOUS LIZ, and worst of all, QUIET LIZ. It makes me sad to t hink how quiet I was at work. I was such a goofy teen and got fired from so many jobs for "talking too much" and "being too loud" that I was afraid to be me at all at work. I wanted to be recognized for being smart, organized, and a leader. So all humor left me while at work. But in meeting my friend Star at work and being a huge goof on here...I've slowly let the real me out at work.
Turns out...my boss thinks I'm hilarious. My co workers frequently smile at me, for no reason at all. And best of all, they're not smiling AT me, they're smiling WITH ME. B/c I walk around smiling all the time, spend at least 50% of my day laughing at myself or other people (in a nice way of course). I'm having FUN at work. I'm making new, cool friends. I've felt more comfortable at work not having to "watch myself" and so I'm speaking up. I got volunteered to be a mentor to our new people b/c of my "expansive knowledge" and "bright personality". I almost cried when they said I had a bright personality b/c I thought, "You finally see it. You finally see me, and you like it. thank god you like it." I feel so blessed to have come to this point. I feel so happy and joyful. The only sad thing about this whole joy thing, is that I have no adult man to share it with. I purposely spent 2 yrs alone after my last relationshp b/c he fucked me up, my kids up, and my family up. We all needed time to breath and heal. It took me 2 years to do it. Now I'm at peace w/ all of that, feel better, am focused on me and my boys, and we're doing good. I'm ready to share that w/ somebody. I'm ready to go to sleep in somebody's arms.
Though I have finally decided I MUST be patient. I am a "jesus freak" and I know all good things come in due time. So I will continue praying for my mr. perfect (though i can no longer call him 'my prince charming' b/c that is phil now, grr, and he's not mine), and I will also secret him. haha! gotta get the ENTIRE universe working in your favor!
xoxo,
Liz & all of me!!!
p.s. I gave up on Phil. Too tired of the age games and some days he'd flirt all day other days he'd ignore me. I'm too awesome to deal w/ that weird, crazy, and moodiness. So I moved my attentioned to the chef in our cafe who has been flirting w/ me. finally asked his boss (a friend of mine) if he had a gf. Turns out, he has a fiance! shot down! bummer! So now I have no one in particular in my sites, but I'm ready....I'll get him at some point.
This whole process, prepraing for surgery, having surgery, and dealing w/ stuff afterwards, thus far, has been life altering. I've only lost 20 lbs so far (woot woot!) but mentally I've come leaps! I mentioned this to Amy earlier...the weird, crazy, hippie, doofy, brillant Liz you guys see on here has not been teh Liz I portray in life. I am ME w/ my family and my ONE BFF! but all otehr friends, co-workers, and acquaintances only got a 1/10 of the real me. Seeing Amy's refreshing craziness and glittery personality, I felt at home. I found comfort, laughter, and peace in her blogs b/c I could so greatly relate. I would share things from her blog to tell my mom and say "see, she's weird like me. She's crazy and everybody commenting on her page loves it. They say they love her." I think that whole process is what made me be the real ME on my blog. It was a safe, sheltered place to let the freak in me out. And then if people didn't like it, they could just go away, generally w/o even leaving a rude comment.
So I have done that. and I have found people w/ open arms that enjoy my creepiness. People who obviously like to frolick in the creepy realms of my imagination. Another aspect of me that is changing is I'm learning mroe about astrology which has always been a passion of mine. Now I've found someone at work who knows alot about it and I'm picking her brain non-stop. I feel like over these last 2 mths of my life I've slowly peeled away the layers of 20 lbs and along w/ it left the FAKE LIZ, SERIOUS LIZ, and worst of all, QUIET LIZ. It makes me sad to t hink how quiet I was at work. I was such a goofy teen and got fired from so many jobs for "talking too much" and "being too loud" that I was afraid to be me at all at work. I wanted to be recognized for being smart, organized, and a leader. So all humor left me while at work. But in meeting my friend Star at work and being a huge goof on here...I've slowly let the real me out at work.
Turns out...my boss thinks I'm hilarious. My co workers frequently smile at me, for no reason at all. And best of all, they're not smiling AT me, they're smiling WITH ME. B/c I walk around smiling all the time, spend at least 50% of my day laughing at myself or other people (in a nice way of course). I'm having FUN at work. I'm making new, cool friends. I've felt more comfortable at work not having to "watch myself" and so I'm speaking up. I got volunteered to be a mentor to our new people b/c of my "expansive knowledge" and "bright personality". I almost cried when they said I had a bright personality b/c I thought, "You finally see it. You finally see me, and you like it. thank god you like it." I feel so blessed to have come to this point. I feel so happy and joyful. The only sad thing about this whole joy thing, is that I have no adult man to share it with. I purposely spent 2 yrs alone after my last relationshp b/c he fucked me up, my kids up, and my family up. We all needed time to breath and heal. It took me 2 years to do it. Now I'm at peace w/ all of that, feel better, am focused on me and my boys, and we're doing good. I'm ready to share that w/ somebody. I'm ready to go to sleep in somebody's arms.
Though I have finally decided I MUST be patient. I am a "jesus freak" and I know all good things come in due time. So I will continue praying for my mr. perfect (though i can no longer call him 'my prince charming' b/c that is phil now, grr, and he's not mine), and I will also secret him. haha! gotta get the ENTIRE universe working in your favor!
xoxo,
Liz & all of me!!!
p.s. I gave up on Phil. Too tired of the age games and some days he'd flirt all day other days he'd ignore me. I'm too awesome to deal w/ that weird, crazy, and moodiness. So I moved my attentioned to the chef in our cafe who has been flirting w/ me. finally asked his boss (a friend of mine) if he had a gf. Turns out, he has a fiance! shot down! bummer! So now I have no one in particular in my sites, but I'm ready....I'll get him at some point.
What a great post - I could feel all your energy just bouncing off the page. Sigh... you're giving up on Prince Charming? Just as it was getting good too lol.
ReplyDeletePS I agree.. we ALL love Amy. Shes just so lovable!
aw, again so many thanks Liz. If I start to cry at work I will have to explain that people I have never met mean the world to me and that I am bloggin and that's a secret here! I am glad you are feeling more free to fly your freak flag! Have you ever seen The Family Stone. Luke Owens says to Jessica Parker "we all have a freak flag, you are just afraid to fly it". I have always been loud and out there. Like I said on my blog once...I could have been the fat wallflower or the fat funny girl and I chose the later. But of course, not everyone likes that! For some I am too loud, too crass, too.....too much. But we can't make everyone happy!
ReplyDeleteAs for mr. right...well, I had given up on finding Mr. right and then it just happened. It will for you too!
MY BFF thinks I should just ignore Prince charming and see if he'll come around. But the only way I can really IGNORE someone is if I tell myself I'm done. Sooooo, maybe there's still a chance I'm just not going to expect anything to happen.
ReplyDeleteThanks Amy!
I agree with The Dash (Cara)...I got so excited reading this post. It's so sad that many of us let our weight hide who we truly are. I too get a lot of inspriation from Amy's blog and love how open and confident she is. I used to love being loud & funny (heck I was even given a Team Clown award in high school) but, somehow over the years and gaining over 100 pounds diminished that. So sad. I am slowly starting to see that come out in me again and I love it. I got the best compliment the other day from a family member and it had nothing to do about my actual weight, she just let me know that she had noticed that I was so much more vibrant lately and she loved it. I think that was probably the most awesome compliment that I've gotten on this journey so far.
ReplyDeletePS...Amy, I love the Family Stone and that is one of my favorite lines from it!
I liked this post.
ReplyDeleteI agree that it is hard to meet someone these days when you are out of the traditional college scene. I met my fiance online. It turned out that he went to my high school's rival school. He was in all sorts of sports then, and I even cheered against him! We know a lot of the same people. And, most important, he is amazing and treats me so well. If you want to be proactive in finding someone who is also looking, you could do that. A lot of sites match you with certain criteria (on lots of levels) that you have and are looking to find. I like that because it goes deeper than just randomly meeting guys in a hit-or-miss-type way. I didn't want to spend all that extra time sifting through men who didn't fit my 'Must Have' list. I think the online dating scene is losing its taboo somewhat too. Just a thought for ya.
Good post.
ReplyDeleteAfter all these years I don't even know for sure which sides of me are 100 per cent me, and which are affectations I built up to protect me. I think I'll peel all that back as I continue on the journey.
-- And I think you made the right choice re: CP. I went back and read most of your blog and while it sounded like the flirtation was fun and I was grinning ear to ear, I did think he was playing coy too much. And you're too fabulous for that!---