"S" Dealio! ;)
s: S being the lovely “S” I have referred to for the last 4 wks as “the dude I’m dating”. Complicated dealio and you’re lookin’ at a MORE complicated chick RIGHT HERE! (Insert big arrow pointing at my smiling face!) I swear there is insanity behind those innocent eyes. Something is wrong with me, seriously. Let me go through this as briefly as possible. Maybe numbering is necessary to keep me focused on precision and briefness.
1. I have “history” with my Dad. In short, I dislike him. He’s an a-hole. His actions when I was a child caused me to have these insecurities with men. They can TELL me how great I am or how much they love me but if they ACT like for one second like I’m NOT the most important thing in the world, I flip out. I get real carried away with it. I’ve known this about myself for awhile and I’ve tried to work on it b/c I know it’s hella annoying to a man who is trying his best to accept me as I am. But I am willing to change things that even I cannot stand. I have just yet to figure out how to do that.
2. My mom. Wow-wey I love her to death but she’s messed up. At some point in her life she was like me on the inside. She was young, carefree, and able to love whole heartedly. I’m assuming it’s the 10 year relationship with a man who beat her on a daily basis, that “beat” that quality out of her. She’s a hard ass, independent, “I don’t need you” kinda woman. Oddly though, It’s a quality I’ve always admired about her. She can keep her emotions under control until the worst breaking point. She can do anything she decides she wants to do. She WILL do anything someone tells her she isn’t capable of doing. It has worked wonders for her career, no so much on the love life. She married a wonderful man, my step Dad (who I named my second son after) and she has stuck with him I think only because she doesn’t care to move on. He is sweet, kind, emotional, loving, sentimental, romantic, etc. I think at some point she would’ve loved that but now she just doesn’t care. It’s like she can no longer love. I’m afraid part of me is turning into my mother. I am very independent and I despise being told what to do or someone telling me MY OWN limitation. I decide for myself. So when it comes to love, this is how I start. I play the tough game, act like I am NO WHERE NEAR impressed with them, I can be rather arrogant, etc. So I did this with S for about 2 wks until finally all his softness and sweetness and lovable antics GOT TO ME! I started fallin for him and I let that facade fall. IN THE PROCESS, this is hard for me. It makes me feel very vulnerable. Vulnerability is not a friend of mine. We don’t mesh well. If it comes knockin’ for a visit, I lock the door. So there are times in my life where I KNOW I must face it and I struggle to do so.
3. The problem with S is this; he’s everything I want. There ya go. I said it. He’s wonderful and near MY perfect man, ya know, “the one” and all that corny shit. So generally what I tend to do to great men is…I push ‘em away. And for some odd reason I hold on tooth and nail to the bastards. I have no clue why I’m like this, I’m digging deep in my soul at this point to FIGURE IT OUT! I THINK what might being going on in my subconscious…. Is that I don’t feel like I deserve that “great man”. I’ve had many issues stemming from childhood (ie, great ol’ Dad) where I mentally tell myself “You don’t deserve….blah blah blah…or blah”, insert anything in place of the blah’s. But I’ve learned in the last year to realize that I do deserve: to be healthy: to feel confident: to look good: to be happy: to have a good job, etc. However, it seems like the love department hasn’t changed so much and I don’t know exactly why. It’s like the issue is RIGHT THERE under the surface and I can smell it, but I have NO CLUE what it is. I hope I figure this out soon before I push S away for good.
4. The break up: It was a emotional roller coaster I didn’t enjoy. And on this past Thur I felt like I couldn’t handle it anymore. I do truly adore him and on THAT day I thought…. I can’t do this. His job is crazy, he’s far away, and if I can’t at least talk to him once a day then how will I get to know him better? It just seemed right. So that day I broke it off with him. What did he say? Well of course he was as nice as he’s always been and the most gentlemen-ly (is that a word?) man I’ve ever met. He said, “It’s ok. No hard feelings. I just want you to be happy. And if this is what you need, I’ll be fine. I’m used to my job making me unhappy, I don’t want it to drag you down too. I still wanna see you when you come home, if that’s fine.” Is that not precious? Like, so precious I just wanna hop a plane and marry the fool! And I’m sitting there in my car pre-workout, amped to burn some calories, he calls, says that, I feel like such a moron. I liked him more in THAT moment, just for what he said to me. In that moment, I felt like I’d made a mistake. But I held strong b/c "independent Liz" is who I woke up that morning to be. So, we parted ways resolving to stay in “distant” contact untiL I go home in a few wks and we’d go on “a date” then and see how it went.
5. Now what? We were “broken up” for like 2 days. And those entire two days all I could think about was him. All I could think was, “I could actually marry this dude and I just f’ing broke up with him. WTF is wrong w/ me?” So he called me today to see how I was and I told him… “I am stupid. I don’t want to see anybody other than you. I don’t want that. I just want you.” And it worked! I meant every word and I let myself be vulnerable and thank God he accepted that.
6. So now what do I do? I’ve gotta find a way to be ok with less communication from him when work demands more of his time. I have to figure out my insecurities and try to work on those b/c I know you can’t have a healthy relationship if you are all jacked up on the inside. So maybe now we, I, can be chill and mellow and go with the flow and value the time I do get of him until work slows down again. That is my hope! Oh and my biggest hope is that there are fireworks and chitty chitty bang bang when we meet up in Arkie! Chitty chitty bang bang being what? I have no clue, just sounds great! Electrifying Vocabulary! :P
xoxo,
Loving Lizzy
1. I have “history” with my Dad. In short, I dislike him. He’s an a-hole. His actions when I was a child caused me to have these insecurities with men. They can TELL me how great I am or how much they love me but if they ACT like for one second like I’m NOT the most important thing in the world, I flip out. I get real carried away with it. I’ve known this about myself for awhile and I’ve tried to work on it b/c I know it’s hella annoying to a man who is trying his best to accept me as I am. But I am willing to change things that even I cannot stand. I have just yet to figure out how to do that.
2. My mom. Wow-wey I love her to death but she’s messed up. At some point in her life she was like me on the inside. She was young, carefree, and able to love whole heartedly. I’m assuming it’s the 10 year relationship with a man who beat her on a daily basis, that “beat” that quality out of her. She’s a hard ass, independent, “I don’t need you” kinda woman. Oddly though, It’s a quality I’ve always admired about her. She can keep her emotions under control until the worst breaking point. She can do anything she decides she wants to do. She WILL do anything someone tells her she isn’t capable of doing. It has worked wonders for her career, no so much on the love life. She married a wonderful man, my step Dad (who I named my second son after) and she has stuck with him I think only because she doesn’t care to move on. He is sweet, kind, emotional, loving, sentimental, romantic, etc. I think at some point she would’ve loved that but now she just doesn’t care. It’s like she can no longer love. I’m afraid part of me is turning into my mother. I am very independent and I despise being told what to do or someone telling me MY OWN limitation. I decide for myself. So when it comes to love, this is how I start. I play the tough game, act like I am NO WHERE NEAR impressed with them, I can be rather arrogant, etc. So I did this with S for about 2 wks until finally all his softness and sweetness and lovable antics GOT TO ME! I started fallin for him and I let that facade fall. IN THE PROCESS, this is hard for me. It makes me feel very vulnerable. Vulnerability is not a friend of mine. We don’t mesh well. If it comes knockin’ for a visit, I lock the door. So there are times in my life where I KNOW I must face it and I struggle to do so.
3. The problem with S is this; he’s everything I want. There ya go. I said it. He’s wonderful and near MY perfect man, ya know, “the one” and all that corny shit. So generally what I tend to do to great men is…I push ‘em away. And for some odd reason I hold on tooth and nail to the bastards. I have no clue why I’m like this, I’m digging deep in my soul at this point to FIGURE IT OUT! I THINK what might being going on in my subconscious…. Is that I don’t feel like I deserve that “great man”. I’ve had many issues stemming from childhood (ie, great ol’ Dad) where I mentally tell myself “You don’t deserve….blah blah blah…or blah”, insert anything in place of the blah’s. But I’ve learned in the last year to realize that I do deserve: to be healthy: to feel confident: to look good: to be happy: to have a good job, etc. However, it seems like the love department hasn’t changed so much and I don’t know exactly why. It’s like the issue is RIGHT THERE under the surface and I can smell it, but I have NO CLUE what it is. I hope I figure this out soon before I push S away for good.
4. The break up: It was a emotional roller coaster I didn’t enjoy. And on this past Thur I felt like I couldn’t handle it anymore. I do truly adore him and on THAT day I thought…. I can’t do this. His job is crazy, he’s far away, and if I can’t at least talk to him once a day then how will I get to know him better? It just seemed right. So that day I broke it off with him. What did he say? Well of course he was as nice as he’s always been and the most gentlemen-ly (is that a word?) man I’ve ever met. He said, “It’s ok. No hard feelings. I just want you to be happy. And if this is what you need, I’ll be fine. I’m used to my job making me unhappy, I don’t want it to drag you down too. I still wanna see you when you come home, if that’s fine.” Is that not precious? Like, so precious I just wanna hop a plane and marry the fool! And I’m sitting there in my car pre-workout, amped to burn some calories, he calls, says that, I feel like such a moron. I liked him more in THAT moment, just for what he said to me. In that moment, I felt like I’d made a mistake. But I held strong b/c "independent Liz" is who I woke up that morning to be. So, we parted ways resolving to stay in “distant” contact untiL I go home in a few wks and we’d go on “a date” then and see how it went.
5. Now what? We were “broken up” for like 2 days. And those entire two days all I could think about was him. All I could think was, “I could actually marry this dude and I just f’ing broke up with him. WTF is wrong w/ me?” So he called me today to see how I was and I told him… “I am stupid. I don’t want to see anybody other than you. I don’t want that. I just want you.” And it worked! I meant every word and I let myself be vulnerable and thank God he accepted that.
6. So now what do I do? I’ve gotta find a way to be ok with less communication from him when work demands more of his time. I have to figure out my insecurities and try to work on those b/c I know you can’t have a healthy relationship if you are all jacked up on the inside. So maybe now we, I, can be chill and mellow and go with the flow and value the time I do get of him until work slows down again. That is my hope! Oh and my biggest hope is that there are fireworks and chitty chitty bang bang when we meet up in Arkie! Chitty chitty bang bang being what? I have no clue, just sounds great! Electrifying Vocabulary! :P
xoxo,
Loving Lizzy
OH I'm happy for you. Taking risks and being vulnerable is soo hard BUT recognizing it is key. And Liz...read the part about your mom...you don't want to end up unable to love and not allowing anyone to love you back right? If you let him go - you'd regret and life is too short for regrets. You can do this. It can work...if you let it.
ReplyDeleteWell i think your on the road to recovery with all of this seeing as your willing to admit that things need to change, within your relationship with S and with yourself and i think you have already gotten over a milestone just by realising that.
ReplyDeleteI can relate alot in what you wrote.... we are women who just dont allow ourselves to love, we constantly question whether we are truly worthy of being loved, i always feel like a weird freak that no one could possibly love because in my mine im totally insane with my thoughts ahahah.
Now if he is a good dude then hold on and hold on tight.
My ex was a good guy but had a lot of complicated issues which stopped us being together because he wasnt willing to push past the shit that actually had nothing to do with him. He said something similar when we broke up, he was so good about it, he said "if this is what you need then i will walk away, i like you to much to make things harder and if this will help you then i will accept it and move on" but for me that was it... no going back. We talk occasionally and i like to know his not in the gutters but i wont ever go back there.
Have faith in yourself hey... your incredible and very worthy of being loved.... your vivacious out there and fun... how could he NOT love you?
I think thats what you need to remind yourself of.... dont let insecurities torment you and keep telling yourself over and over the reasons why he does love you.... how could he NOT love you.
Your wonderful... have faith in yourself and in him.... you have realised maybe this is something stronger then you thought... now you need to fight for it!
Ash xx
@Drazil: so funny that you say "If you let it" b/c my big sister knows me and my antics very well and that is exactly what she's told me lately. She says I refuse to allow myself to be happy with a man, like I feel like I need to be with a man who is drama or makes me unhappy. S is so NOT drama and just his voices makes me happy!
ReplyDelete@Ash: Thank you for everything you said. I could tell you could relate and thank you for sharing! And I'm very appreciative of all the kind things you said about me!
Glad you allowed him. I know it's sappy, but I do think love makes the world go round. My husband is my best friend and while we've had our hard times, it's definitely been worth it.
ReplyDeleteThank you ladies for the encouragement. I need to try harder to be a softie and less of a hard ass! ;)
ReplyDelete